THEORY ONE: Millie dies. It's classic slight-of-hand Houdini bullshit. You're so busy watching Coach bent over a rock and wheezing that you don't even notice that someone cut the brakes on that semi.
2. Team Joel. Or as I like to text to Fannie: "LOVE WINS."
3. It's important to imagine Sarah as Lorelai Gilmore in witness protection. Because it's either that, or else one must consider that Lauren Graham is only capable of fast-talk chaos voice and then she's definitely not invited to My Celebrity Pool Party. Meanwhile, Ray Romano is the quintessential boring middle-aged white guy who tinkers in the garage and gets gassy after a bucket of wings every Sunday.
(But Chuck does a great impression of his Kermit croak, and that's really the only redeeming thing about Ray Romano Human Being.)
THEORY TWO: No one is going to die. We've been led to believe the final scene will be this epic flatline, but instead it's going to just leave us hanging so that two, three years from now we see Dax Shepard in some terrible movie and we stop and wonder if Old Coach is still kicking around.
4. For a while I thought that Adam, who we call Alexandria around here, had faked the final break-in to the Luncheonette to collect the insurance money. And I suppose they writers are out of time to explore that plotline, but that's what I would have done. And I don't know if you know this, but I can always-always predict what will happen and exact lines of TV shows. It's how I know that, either, in a past life I was a cigar-twirling NBC exec who squashed terrible sitcom ideas beneath power pumps, or else I've just watched a hella lot of tube in my time.
5. I bet this scene where Lorelai Gilmore pulls a total Elise Keaton and turns this show into, like "Glee" or whatever, was unscripted. I bet the Boss of The Show was at craft services, so Lorelai just grabbed the guitar and went nuts. And then someone who hates Lorelai paid the show's editors to keep it in, and now she'll have to go back to doing Lean Cuisine commercials again.
6. So Coach is listening to his awful family go on and on and on about some old knife fight and he wanders off to rest his ear-pillows and who comes in? His most annoying child, She of the Bad Decisions. So what does she do instead of, like, apologizing for never-shutting-up? She tells him she's getting married, then chokes like "Ha! I bet!" when he tells her he can't wait to walk her down the aisle.
THEORY THREE: Coach and Millie fake their deaths and move somewhere where soundwaves don't travel.
7. I'm sort of making it seem like I hate this show; I love this show. In fact, I love Amber.
8. But did they not give her an epidural? Why is she screaming like that? If this was a real birth scene, she'd be pushing every 2 minutes and watching "Bourne Identity" in between -- all while being vaguely aware that a nurse is discretely removing glovefuls of feces from the birthing bed.
9. I never just tear up watching this show. I actually say, involuntarily, something that sounds like "Boo Hoo" while squishing my face into something that looks like an old gum wrapper.
Until Thursday, then.