Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The long lost arts ...

Hello, Flaming Urethra. Long time, no pee! (This makes no sense, but it's so clever it seems like it make sense.) After more than two years of UTI-free living, it's back. The author comes to you from her bed, where she is propped against an excessive amount of pillows and wrapped in all manner of sweatpant material. Her hood is up.

To her left:
*Water bottle.
*AZO urinary tract relief pain pills.
*"The Virgin Suicides" by Jeffrey Eugenides, a reread that was meant to be research for the author's own attempt at a coming-of-age novel, a coming-of-age novel idea that she ditched because she is secretly afraid of vindictive ghosts. So now she is just rereading the book because it is good and she can reach it without twisting too far.
*At least five active games of Words With Friends and a couple matches of Dice with Buddies.

In front of her:
*A Chrome Book that she can use to:
1. Write smart things in her online diary;
2. Watch "Gilmore Girls," her current marathon of choice;
3. Click every link that appears on Facebook;
4. Write a different coming-of-age novel that has nothing to do with her original idea for a coming-of-age novel;
5. Catch up on writing book reviews for Minnesota Reads: "Consumed" by David Cronenberg and "Sister Golden Hair" by Darcey Steinke;
6. Toss aside so that she can nap away the infection.

To her left:
*Plenty of napping acreage.
*Yet another pillow.

The Girl left with her babysitter about 45 minutes ago. They had plans involving nature. The author feels sad and guilty because here is time that she is not at her daily obligation, but she is also not with her wee one.

Fact: Her wee one is exhausting. Her favorite sport is jumping on the couch. Her second favorite sport is orbiting the author like the latter is a May Pole. Her third favorite sport is throwing handfuls of baked squash like it's parade candy. Her fourth favorite sport is pointing at everything in the room and saying "dat.dat.dat.dat.dat." Her fifth favorite sport is ... you get the idea.

Fact Two: The author peed six times between noon and 1 p.m.

Fact Three: The author's doctor told her to start consuming cranberries, putting lemon and lime in her water, going nutso on greens. The doctor told the author to avoid cheese, bread, and chicken. The author just read a bit about getting into The Alkalines and discovered that Victoria Beckham swears by it. Or at least swore by it.

Confession: The author really just wants to zone out and come to consciousness when her urinary tract is again ignorable, but these days she struggles with what was once her greatest skill: The Art of Leisure.

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