Monday, August 26, 2013

It's Sunday and I'm Boring: The Lone Wheat Thin Edition

Chuck gets home from work to find me passed out on a futon, my dress hiked up around my waist. Bambino snoozing to my left. I blink awake, confused and he gives me a "What the hell ..." face. Downstairs the TV plays fuzzy local programming, cashed baby bottles strewn across the floor.

Inconsolable infant. Overtired and gassy. She would pass into a shallow sleep for a few minutes, then become red faced as she attempted to hasten another fart into the open air. It was all-consuming and, obviously, exhausting. Reader: I'm not a young woman.

She wakes and this repeats and repeats for hours well beyond her pretty lax bedtime.

We have a code phrase for her when she won't fall asleep at fall-asleep time: "Beady eyes shining in the dark." She lies in the crib, all compact and lima bean shaped, her wide eyes glowing in the light of the neon screen of the CD player we keep on top of the dresser. It goes on like this until 2 a.m., when I coax her to sleep using some Norwegian Voodoo I'm not yet willing to explain.


It's like I wet the bed, except with my boobs. There's been a mighty milk spill. My chest feels like it has two rocks embedded in it. The baby must eat so that I don't accidentally knock someone unconscious with a suddenly movement.

I imagine that this is what blue balls feel like.


I read seven lines of the new biography of Charles Manson.


Fussy days are followed by calm days and the baby is all "What me worry?" slouched and cool. Except today. Today a fussy day follows a fussy day. More red faces, more rumbles and airy pops that belie her age. She will sleep, though only if we use Norwegian Voodoo. (Stop asking: I'm not ready to talk about it). By noon she is on her second nap.


My favorite food is Amy's Organic Bean and Rice Burritos. I eat one with a handful of Wheat Thins and 32 ounces of cold, cold water. Later I will find a lone Wheat Thin among the debris of my couch nest.


We always talk about Family Nap Time, but we never take Family Nap Time. Today we take Family Nap Time.


Then the baby continues to take Baby Nap Time. She sleeps long enough for me to clean the kitchen, clean off a table, do two loads of laundry and put away her clothes. She sleeps long enough for me to make Velveeta Shells & Cheese and eat it. She sleeps while I write Thank You notes, a words project with messages that become more and more ridiculous the longer I write.


I read more Manson and congratulate myself for already being a better mom than his mom. (Life of Crime).


The TV show "Revenge" is perfect background noise. I don't care enough about it to have to watch-watch, but in glances here and there I can keep up with the (stupid) plot. One thought:  Everyone on the show seems just a little too young, including Madeline Stowe.


Quackers sends me a message encouraging that I play some Replacements for the baby. "They need stimulation," he writes. Instead I spend 2 hours teaching her what it will feel like to run the 400 meter and compete in the triple jump. I pretend to eat her like corn on the cob and gum her cheeks. I shake a butterfly rattle in her face and sing a song I wrote called "Little Bug (Work In Progress)."


Chuck returns to find sanity has been restored in West Duluth. Until the 5 a.m. feeding that ended with Beady Eyes Shining in the Dark.


The "It's (Insert Day of Week) and I'm Boring" is a series that Jodi and I do to pay homage to the beauty of old-school blogging. 


Jodi said...

I second Quackers!

Christa said...

He suggested a YouTube search of Replacements Bristol.

Do you approve? :)

Anonymous said...

Great stories. I'm sure it's not easy being a mom! I can't believe you live in Duluth!! That's so neat! We go there every year on vacation.
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tawnylaquay said...

I had so many fussy days before 8 weeks, then a friend bought me a Rock n Play! Talk about lifesaver! It helped us because our baby had slight reflux and gas issues. Seriously I want to make out with it I loved it so much!