Wednesday, July 17, 2013

What happened at my house today: Tuesday

"Up top," I say to Chuck when he opens his eyes. I think I've picked up a Barney-ism from all the episodes of "How I Met Your Mother." Chuck's still dewy, but he responds with a high-five. He knows the drill. He's been watching, too. Yes, I woke up about seven times in seven hours, but I also slept-slept in relative comfort. A year ago, it would have been a horse shit sleep; Nowadays I'll take it.

Chuck cocks his head and studies me. "What is this outfit?" he asks. I cackle. He's on the porch glider drinking coffee. It's a green romper, a successful wardrobe mission from the summer of 2012. Of course, now it looks stuffed with pumpkin. In its current incarnation, this is an outfit with a leash. I cannot wear it off the porch. But on this "Feels like 92 degrees" day, it's fine for the glider.

"Is today the day?" I ask Chuck, chopping up every fruit in the house to make a breakfast salad. "No," he says. He said that yesterday, too. And the day before.

Ma Pista sends a text asking how I'm feeling. "Still pregnant," I tell her. She has a strange text personality that I don't quite recognize. Her sentences are structured stiltedly and she refers to herself as "Grandma." Sometimes I wonder if I should make her send me a photo of herself holding the current issue of the Rochester Post Bulletin.

I've mistaken seven hours of not-the-worst-sleep-ever for a new lease on life and head to Target to return a duplicate gift. Somewhere between receiving a gift card for the exchange and the greeting card aisle, the entire weight of my belly settles low. Real low. Like, the kind of low that requires gasping "oof" every step. My mission to buy a cover for the changing pad is dismissed. I oof my way back to the car and crank Max AC.

The grocery store is less daunting. I play the Supermarket Sweep home game, grabbing as much food as I can carry in a hand basket as quickly and as with little thought as is possible. FYI: Though Kraft might have set the bar in macaroni and cheese, it's really the Velveeta brand that has become the dominant force. Unfortunately, the shelves in this joint are post-Apocalyptic. I'm not sure what hungry horde invaded, but they've done a number on the stock. Kraft it is.

I read a bit about N.W.A.'s role as villains in the 1980s, then nap with the cats -- who must be repeatedly reminded to "Don't step on the baby."

True confession: I've been to McDonald's twice in as many days. Yesterday I ordered a meal, came home, ate it. Today I just went for a small, 54 cent vanilla ice cream cone. I think that's legit. Calcium, yo. When I pulled into the lot, a boy was standing on a picnic table ramming a teenaged girl's head into his crotch, simulating. The line at the drive thru was long and the guy in the hot rod behind me kept revving his engine. I thought: This is the worst place on earth. When I got back to the house, an undefined bug flew boldly up my right nostril and I'm not sure it ever got out.

We stay up late watching "Orange is the New Black." It's fun to pretend that the main character is played by superblogger Dooce.

7 comments:

Kristabella said...

"It's fun to pretend that the main character is played by superblogger Dooce."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I finished the series on Sunday and this would have made it even better!

Tori said...

You are hilarious. Best wishes in bringing the PBG through the portal!

Christa said...

I can't *not* think it's her now. It's very bizarre.

Christa said...

Thanks, Tori. "Portal." Hehe.

sarafenix.me said...

How did you like Orange is the New Black? I read the book and by the time I was done with it I thoroughly disliked the main character. PS. Don't get into the back seat of any car!

feisty said...

today is going to be the day. i predict from the flurry of house-ordering and errands yesterday. oh, and that bowling-ball between the legs feeling....

I've been enjoying Orange is the new Black. Not a fan of Piper (but thinking of her as Dooce will be fun), but I am getting into the other characters. fresh entertainment!

Tawny said...

I had a similar thing happen to me in Target when I was 38 weeks pregnant. I was convinced labor was going to happen. I don't miss that anxiety.

Btw - love the Dooce reference.