Wednesday, July 10, 2013

And then I went home ...

Somewhere around 11:30 p.m. on Monday night, the hospital staff decided to keep me around for another night. No matter how many "... but I'm a night person" explainers I spat, they just couldn't let me leave. Especially not with the way I was rubbing the side of my head and mumbling. "No way," said a nurse practitioner I was told was schooled in the ways of midwifery.

This, by the way, has become my favorite word. It's not mid-WIVE-ery. It's midwifery. Like wiffle ball I suppose, or like a pretend word the British would use. "Have you met Liam? He's been practicing midwifery. Please pass the bangers."

She had with her a sidekick resident and they had a great rapport. I asked them if they ever felt like they were on the show "House." I really got the sense that they were going to question me and then go back to a room, put their feet up and toss a tennis ball at the wall while they considered my symptoms.

"I'm really stuck on this 'One side of the head' thing," one would say. "Do you think she rammed her head into the cereal cupboard so hard that she forgot she did it?"
"I'm stuck, too," the other would respond. "Are you sure 'midwifery' is a real word?"

Sometime after Chuck left I found the resident sitting on the side of my bed explaining something to me I could never understand that soon removed from REM. I was fed some more drugs, different drugs, and quickly fell into a state that resembled neither sleep nor wakefulness. I call it "That episode of lost when they stole Claire's baby" although I'm not even sure that's an accurate description. A few times I woke up moaning and saying "No no no no no" and walking dizzily to the bathroom. I was conscious enough to know that a lot of people were coming in to look at me and then leaving. Like a People Zoo. Around sun up it occurred to me to seek more pain relief, which I did.

The next time I woke I had breakfast waiting for me. I salivated thinking of the sensational meal from the previous day. I pulled the lid off what should have been fluffy scrambled eggs and found a hard boiled egg. The honeymoon was over.

I was sent home with lots of prescriptions, a crypt that is going to require the tender but forceful touch of Indiana Jones and a headache they believe is related to tension -- but insist that doesn't make me a looney hypochondriac faker.

Now I spend my time making sure I don't exceed 4000 mgs of Acetaminophen in a day, which is Math.

Fun fact: I filled two gas tanks with urine, plus a little went into a third. I'm told the lab person on the receiving end said: This is all from one person?!

Mission. Accomplished.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Midwifery" sounds like some sort of mildly nefarious activity to me. Tomfoolery, skullduggery, midwifery...