Sunday, February 10, 2013

It's Saturday and I'm Boring: Week 1


Ten hours of sleep later and everyone's got something for me. I wake to:
*A text from Fannie asking if I want her friend's crib and high chair; 
*A text from Chuck warning me not to eat anything because he has gone on a bagel run; 
*A text from CHRISSIE! telling me that Noodles & Co. has the best soda machine; 
*A missed phone call from JCrew at 3:40 a.m.
*A wrong number and hang up voicemail message. 

And the house smells like something. I consider the food possibilities. Not bagels, not waffles, not eggs -- not even the high-tech version Chuck makes using slivers of garlic. No, it's ... vinegar. Like we're living in a vinegar rainforest. 

I wrap myself in a robe and head downstairs and before I hit the bottom step I see Chuck at the table, grey stocking cap pulled to his ears and a matching 20 year old grey fleece shirt. 

"This is a hostile environment," he warns me. He's been awake two hours already so his words come more quickly than I can process. 

"The. Cats?" I ask. At certain points of the day they chase phantoms around the living room, bounce off walls, pounce on air and each other, scream at the ceiling. They're like haunted battery powered Christmas toys. 

"Cats. Broken coffee maker. Vinegar smell," he said. "Then, because of the vinegar smell I had the doors open. So it was cold, too." 

He says the word "noxious" six times.
I nod. 

***

Blah blah blah beeturia. 

***

So now we need a new coffee maker. It's unfortunate that this is an immediate need. Chuck has developed an affinity for Amazon Prime that has packages landing on the porch with regularity. Had we known the coffee maker was on its last legs, Chuck would have shrugged and said: "Why don't we order one from Amazon Prime?" Then two days later -- at the latest -- we'd be the proud owners of a new coffee maker.

This is how he got the plaid pajamas he's wearing right now.
This is how he came to get TheraFlu, even though all the local drug stores have stopped selling it.
This is how we came to get Ivory Soap in bulk at the same time as a sleep mask, a mega scratching post and water filters.
Amazon Prime does not, however, sell crates of Tang. Disappointing.

We've made the ill-informed decision to go to Target on a weekend when there isn't a a) big game; b) winter weather advisory; c) pandemic.

We're cruising up a back alley of the store, peeking shyly into the tiny-person section, when Chuck looks up ahead and says:

"Oh my god. It looks like the apocalypse."

This wide aisle is clogged with people wedged together like puzzle pieces. They all seemingly have a cart or are riding a motorized scooters and no one's making any progress with their movement. Everything is just herky jerky sways and grunts and mouths are hanging open. It's a scene out of "The Walking Dead," I think. I haven't really watched much of that show.

"Quick! Ditch right! Down here!" we cut through a Big Wheel aisle, cackling at what we've just seen. We shift up again and over, sticking to the back roads.

***

"Ohmygosh," I say in the car, stressing my Minnesota accent. "I can't believe we were just at Target and I didn't buy anything. It's like: Who replaced me with a totally different person who can go to Target and not buy something? I usually spend AT LEAST $75 every time I walk in the door. I might as well just open my wallet and dump $75 on the floor when I walk in. Can you believe I just went to Target and didn't buy anything? I can't wait to tell my friends on Facebook."

Chuck rocks back and forth, plugs his ears and hums away the cliche.

***



We sneak in a mid-day meal at the Brewhouse, scoring the best table in the joint. I eat a wild rice burger topped with onions, blue cheese and jalapenos. It's grand. Mid-day meals feel like such a luxury. And, sitting here at this table by the window, I keep expecting someone to come along and ask us to make room for a larger party. That never happens.

***

We stay up until 3 a.m. watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of "House of Cards," the new Netflix-specific show starring Kevin Spacey.

***

*This series inspired by a comment made by Jodi on my last post.

2 comments:

Jodi said...

I loved it. I am totally going to steal this and do an it's Sunday & I'm Boring post tonight.

Christa said...

It was your idea, so it's not stealing!