Monday, January 28, 2013

Rated PG ...

There is an almost-16 week old almost-human shaped being bouncing around in my uterus. The last time we saw it it was shadow kickboxing and the tech holding the ultrasound referred to it as "an active little bugger."

In case that was too coy: I'm pregnant. Well, we're pregnant, but I'm the one who burst into tears, deep wrenching sobs, while watching "Peggy Sue Got Married" the other night. I knew it was coming, so I warned Chuck before I started. I also had the kindness to assure him throughout the breakdown that it felt good and not to be scared.

The immediate response among some friends has been disbelief. Like people think I'm joking. I think this is because I have never in the history of the world turned my hands into giant pinchers to better tweak infant chub. I'm not much of a cooer or face maker. I've never flipped up my sunglasses to watch a stroller pass, then clutched my ovaries and moaned.

Still, I like children and always imagined that someday I would like to make one or adopt one or have someone pass one to me and say "Here, take care of this for me. I'll be back never." I like the way their little feet look when they kick around in foot pajamas and their little mouths making little shapes. I like the idea that at some point I will be able to put this tiny person we made into my lap and say "Let me tell you about a little monkey named Chico Bon Bon." And when Chuck has told me things that he did when he was little, I've enjoyed the occasional what-if of seeing this recreated by something wearing an an early version of his face.

Maybe I've done a poor job of presenting my true self to the world. 

I hadn't realized how much I had isolated myself from a world where kids exist until I found out I was pregnant and thought: Huh. I've never actually been close friends, confidantes, with a pregnant woman in my life. I've never had a friend lean across the table, hand on her belly and say: "Let me tell you about the gunk in your drawers," for instance. I'd never actually discussed any aspect of pregnancy with anyone at all. Ever.

I've felt a little like Neil Armstrong every day for the past few months, navigating my new outer space. Of course I have friends who have kids and they tell me things I'd have no way of knowing or even thinking about knowing: Get your sandwich heated at Subway so you don't get Listeria! (Huh?) or Your migraines will go away at 12 weeks! (Not completely, but definitely dulled). People will direct you toward the super popular manual "What to Expect When You're Expecting," and I admit I downloaded it, even skimmed a bit, before I groaned and dismissed it as Bridget Jones dishing on darkening areolas. Pass.

Now I just Google on the a need-to-know basis. For the first few weeks I spent a lot of time at the grocery store searching "Pregnant Gouda" or "Pregnant Tuna Fish" but mostly just "Pregnant migraine."

In isolating myself from a world where a Bounce House exists, I've also glossed over a lot of photographs and conversations on Facebook. Minutes after I discovered I was pregnant, I saw a friend seeking consumer reports on high-end diaper bags. The other day I saw a passionate poll on whether school should start before Labor Day or if that's a sign of the apocalypse. I have at least two Facebook friends who are pregnant and one posted a study that favored drinking wine while pregnant and half of the commenters ripped her seven new assholes. So far, this is among the most interesting cultural study I've observed and I wonder where I'll fit into all of this.

I plan to keep my pregnancy off Facebook and then to just pop up one day in July clutching a newborn. (I'm sure this isn't possible. But if it is and I could stage a photo of a girl in a bloody prom dress passing the baby off to me in a high school bathroom, that might make a neat Christmas card).

So there you have it. Pregnant. Due in mid-July. Yes, seriously. That puts me on the same timetable as Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian and Meredith Grey from "Grey's Anatomy." Buckle up, friends. 


Anonymous said...

Dubs on in-town Granny duty!
Congrats to all three of you!

Beret said...

It's a game-changer, a life-changer, and the ultimate cliche: "the best thing that will ever happen to you". But it is!


Jodi said...

YAY! I cannot wait to read all about all of it.

Angelique Niekamp said...

Congratulations! Good luck as you tread through the pregnancy adviced-filled waters. Lots of stuff to freak you out about but there are some good pro-tips amongst the waves! I think I've read every review out there of baby gear stuff so if you would like some materialistic suggestions, feel free to message/call me! Very happy for you!

Whiskeymarie said...

Wow! Huge congrats! You're in a small group of people where I will actually enjoy hearing about what's going on with this baby stuff. (There's a compliment in there somewhere)

Tawny said...

Well hot damn! Congratulations.
I am currently pregnant with my first and felt the same way you feel now.

I have not bought one pregnancy book, I rely too heavily on Google and I really feel that winging it is my best option. Due in April - so I better go buy a mattress for our crib or something.

Futbol said...

I'll pay for your La Leche membership fee. But if it's free, you get nothing.

Sproactually said...

Wow... Never saw that coming... That is absolutely great news, i wish you the best of health and the best of luck!

And you will here this a thousand times over the next couple of years, it goes quick. You know what, you are about to discover light speed really is.

I never wanted to know boy or girl, why spoil one of the last great surprise gifts you will ever get.

How to the expecting grand parents fee?? (if they know yet)

Wow.. just wow, congratulations!

Christa said...

Thanks, everyone!
Especially you, Futbol. I'll keep my eyes on the mail.

amy a. said...

And your news dropped 3 days ago! I've been keeping it like a secret. All I have to say is . . . I'm soooooooooo excited. And please take advantage that Auntie Amy works at a online retailer that sells baby stuff! And kid stuff! Just . . so . . excited for you and Chuck . . here comes Chuck Jr.????

Guacaholic said...

Hot damn! Congratulations to you both! It's a wild ride - I wish I had another way of phrasing it but I really don't have any non-cliched ways of describing it.

Good call on skimming WTEWYE (jeez). So neurotic. I liked the Mayo Clinic guide because it was all facts and not overly dramatic. I would've been far better off spending time reading about the magical land of parenting instead of pregnancy.

For all the anxiety babies stir up, I honestly never knew true love until I became a parent. It is f*cking incredible. So different than what I expected.

You two are going to make great parents!

Mach1 said...

I have a feeling this is going to be one pretty damn cool, rock-and-roll-type baby.

Mach1 said...

I have a feeling this is going to be one pretty damn cool, rock-and-roll-type baby.