I had a major life conflict on Saturday. I really wanted to spend the day watching "Girls," which recently came out on DVD. I also really wanted to not change out of the army green long underwear-leggings and Cloud Cult T-shirt I was wearing and planned to wear all weekend. The former had a saggy butt, the latter had kidney beans crusted to the front. So, even though "Girls" wasn't embarrassing, I was. I decided to quickly sneak in and out of the big box discount retail store.
This was a laughably bad experience that I later described as: Pluto, 1972. It was as though this store suddenly cropped up a bunch of decades ago at this forgotten outpost and then no one from the official big box headquarters ever again set foot in the store. Now everyone carries on with their chores with one eye on the sky watching for the rescue helicopters.
Here are a few tips for improving this store:
1. Shrines. In America, things become popular and then huge triangular shrines are built toward them in big box retail stores. This means there is plenty of the popular thing available and that the popular thing is easy to find in the store. There was no shrine to the DVD release of "Girls." There were, however, two copies of "Inception" -- the most current film I could find -- next to each other on a shelf. I can only assume, based on lack of shelf organization, that this was an accident.
2. Computerized (or manual) Inventory. I took my droopy pants and stained shirt to customer service. "Do you know if you guys have any copies of the 'Girls' DVD?" I asked a woman who looked like the star of an indie flick about a woman who works at a forgotten big box discount retail store in Duluth, Minnesota by day, but plays in an all-girl punk band called Big Giant Tampon Commercial by night.
"Hm," she said. "We don't like have a list of what we have in the store."
Which is the most nonsensical thing I've ever heard. If it's true, it is time to start shoplifting at this store. If you're stopped at the door, just say: "Oh. I brought this Tony Home Perm into the store with me. Think I didn't? Prove it."
An employee in the electronics department said the same thing.
3. Know your buzz. Whether you think Lena Dunham is An Entitled Vagina-Gazing Monster or The Bold Voice of a Generation, the truth is that she's one of 2012's more buzzed about figures. Just not in this store. This big box discount retail store did not carry one of the most popular new DVD releases for December. How was that decision made? And is it possible that I'm the only one in the city who went there looking for it? Does the audience for 'Girls' favor adult pants and Target?
4. Claustrophobia. Also, the aisles are super thin in the checkout area and I thought I was going to get crushed by Mars Bars and Sour Ice Breakers. Not cool.
Postscript: I ended up getting "Girls" at Target in Superior, Wisconsin, where it is also appropriate to wear leggings that are saggy with sleep sweat and bean-coated concert Ts.
Note: I did not want to download episodes from iTunes and I didn't notice that I could do it on Amazon.