Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Gettin' 'Girls' ...

We have in our neighborhood a big box discount retail store that I usually forget exists unless I need something embarrassing like a Tony Home Perm or Hot Pockets. Since I don't shop there, I assume other people don't shop there. Sometimes the parking lot looks like an abandoned carnival midway.

I had a major life conflict on Saturday. I really wanted to spend the day watching "Girls," which recently came out on DVD. I also really wanted to not change out of the army green long underwear-leggings and Cloud Cult T-shirt I was wearing and planned to wear all weekend. The former had a saggy butt, the latter had kidney beans crusted to the front. So, even though "Girls" wasn't embarrassing, I was. I decided to quickly sneak in and out of the big box discount retail store.

This was a laughably bad experience that I later described as: Pluto, 1972. It was as though this store suddenly cropped up a bunch of decades ago at this forgotten outpost and then no one from the official big box headquarters ever again set foot in the store. Now everyone carries on with their chores with one eye on the sky watching for the rescue helicopters.

Here are a few tips for improving this store:

1. Shrines. In America, things become popular and then huge triangular shrines are built toward them in big box retail stores. This means there is plenty of the popular thing available and that the popular thing is easy to find in the store. There was no shrine to the DVD release of "Girls." There were, however, two copies of "Inception" -- the most current film I could find -- next to each other on a shelf. I can only assume, based on lack of shelf organization, that this was an accident.

2. Computerized (or manual) Inventory. I took my droopy pants and stained shirt to customer service. "Do you know if you guys have any copies of the 'Girls' DVD?" I asked a woman who looked like the star of an indie flick about a woman who works at a forgotten big box discount retail store in Duluth, Minnesota by day, but plays in an all-girl punk band called Big Giant Tampon Commercial by night.

"Hm," she said. "We don't like have a list of what we have in the store."
Which is the most nonsensical thing I've ever heard. If it's true, it is time to start shoplifting at this store. If you're stopped at the door, just say: "Oh. I brought this Tony Home Perm into the store with me. Think I didn't? Prove it."

An employee in the electronics department said the same thing.

3. Know your buzz. Whether you think Lena Dunham is An Entitled Vagina-Gazing Monster or The Bold Voice of a Generation, the truth is that she's one of 2012's more buzzed about figures. Just not in this store. This big box discount retail store did not carry one of the most popular new DVD releases for December. How was that decision made? And is it possible that I'm the only one in the city who went there looking for it? Does the audience for 'Girls' favor adult pants and Target?

4. Claustrophobia. Also, the aisles are super thin in the checkout area and I thought I was going to get crushed by Mars Bars and Sour Ice Breakers. Not cool.

Postscript: I ended up getting "Girls" at Target in Superior, Wisconsin, where it is also appropriate to wear leggings that are saggy with sleep sweat and bean-coated concert Ts.

Note: I did not want to download episodes from iTunes and I didn't notice that I could do it on Amazon.


Jodi said...

I eagerly await your review of "Girls." Since I am 40 now I decided I don't have to have an opinion on Lena Dunham, or even care at all about what she does.

It's my #1 time-saving tip of 2012. However, since she has so throughly saturated pop culture it's hard not to know about her. It would be better if I didn't know about her at all, but alas, that is just not possible.

#2 time-saving tip: Don't care about Game of Thrones.

Christa said...

My early review is that the show is great. It's uncomfortable, it bucks TV aesthetics, but mostly it's just really, really funny.

It is also highly skippable.

My Game of Thrones time-saving tip is that I won't read it. But I do like watching it. So I guess I'm half saving time.

Jodi said...

I figured it was highly skippable just because I am not the target audience. In fact, I'm probably old enough to be the target audience's mother. Also, I'm full up of New Yorkers being all New Yorky and reveling in their New Yorkiness.

I didn't even think about reading Game of Thrones. I forget it's books. I've put it in that RenFest/Shakespeare/Hobbit kind of bucket of stuff I do not enjoy.

Christa said...

Game of Thrones surprised me. If someone described it to me, I would have been like: 'Listen, dude. Take your cape and just walk away.' But I thought it was kind of delicious.

Jodi said...

This will probably be one of those shows (along with Breaking Bad) that I discover way after it's popular and I'll be all OMG, this is SO GOOD. I should have listened.

That's how I'm feeling about Buffy right about now, which landed in the dismissal bucket due to vampires.

Christa said...

I have made a tentative plan to watch 'Breaking Bad' this winter. I opted out on that one, too, but ended up catching a few of the final episodes from last season and kicking myself for not watching earlier. Ugh. Tube time, huh?