Wednesday, April 18, 2012

And the holograms ...

I don't have a relationship with Tupac Shakur. But in 1993 I loved the song "Never Fall in Love with You Again" by Janet Jackson. It was the theme to the movie "Poetic Justice," which she starred in with Tupac and which I was still too young to see when the R-rated show was in theaters.

So the name Tupac Shakur was on my radar and I liked to say it. Tupac Shakur. Much in the way that in grade school I liked to say Shaquille O'Neal. Shaquille O'Neal.

None of this really matters. What matters is that I'm terrified of the Tupac Shakur hologram that performed at Coachella. And not just because it was the first time I thought: "Well. Those light particles certainly are arranged in a sexually appealing way. I can practically see through its pants." It terrifies me because there are far bigger perverts in the world with much bigger science lobes who are probably two giga-whatevers from making sexy hologram pole dancers that can silently contort their way across living rooms. Friends, this is the beginning of something very fucking creepy.

What a nightmare, too, for Tupac's killer, who probably (falsely) assumed that he/she would never have to see Tupac on stage again after that fateful September night in 1996. As the person who made the final call on my cat's mortality two years ago, I can say that if I saw Toonses on stage performing choreography with Snoop, my brain would melt right out of my ear.

Things you will overhear when holograms roam the earth:

"Well, we got a hologram cat to keep the mice out. But then we realized they were just hologram mice!"

"Sorry I'm late. Caught Hologram Woodstock last night and ended up getting wrecked with Grace Slick. Hologram Joan Baez had to drive me home. God. Hologram Joe Cocker is so handsy."

"It wasn't me, officer. It was my hologram!"

"I just sleep better with Hologram River Phoenix standing at the foot of my bed."

"Then you know what that bitch did? She didn't even show up. She sent her hologram to meet me for lunch."
"Ugh. Her hologram is such a monster."
"Totally. She got hammered on cosmos and gorged herself on the bottomless bread basket. It was so embarrassing."

"We dated for five years and I never knew he was a hologram."

"You've got to try the homemade bread at Hologram Colonial Williamsburg."

"My daughter's hologram did not deserve this C-. She worked her hologram ass off on that project."

"She left me for my 24-year-old hologram."


"God. I went to see the Hologram Go-Gos last night at the Rose Bowl. It was supposed to be Hologram GoGos 1982, but the real GoGos showed up. Belinda Carlisle is so old."


Regardless, holograms are a thing now. They have been for awhile, obviously. Jem and the Holograms were wildly successful in the 1980s. But now a hologram might tour with Snoop and Dre. And eventually a whole hologram band will play an arena near you. Your creepy uncle will be bringing his hologram wife to dinner. Politicians will slight holograms; We will rally about it. And in five years, this post is going to be as quaint as the sounds of a landline ringing.



2 comments:

Sproactually said...

"You've got to try the homemade bread at Hologram Colonial Williamsburg."

Will it still be 97 degrees and 94 percent humidity and full of bugs?

I swear to God my parents only took us to Colonial Williamsburg and Mystic Seaport when it was the hottest day of the year.

But can i get a hologram to mimic me making believe I am actually doing productive work at work?

Beret said...

I would never pay money to see a hologram on tour. But a hologram River Phoenix at the foot of my bed? I can support that.