Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Three conversations with my Former Landlord ...

Former Landlord (on the phone): Christa?
Me: Yeah?
Former Landlord: Can kids eat gum?
Me: ...
Former Landlord: (Taquito) just ate gum.
Me: ...
Former Landlord: She told me she knew how to do it and I believed her. I gave her a piece and SHE ATE IT!
Me: ...
Former Landlord: So I took another piece, broke it in half, and showed her how to chew it. It seemed like she got it. But then she kind of turned her head away and ate that piece, too!
Me: I think she's fine. Don't give her any more gum.

***

Me: If someone cut you open right now, it would smell like KFC.
Former Landlord: Until you quit smoking, you can't say anything about what I eat.
Me: ...
Former Landlord: You should try hypnosis.
Me: I've thought of that. It's pretty expensive.
Former Landlord: Nah. That's what (Baby Mama) did when she was pregnant. We drove to Sandstone. It was like $80 a session.
Me: Did she quit?
Former Landlord: She certainly cut back.

***

Me: You know, now that (Taquito) is two and a half, you probably shouldn't keep Playboy magazines out in your bedroom. I noticed them when I was babysitting.
Former Landlord: Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's just that I'm writing a Letter to the Editor.
Me: You're writing a Letter to the Editor of Playboy?
Former Landlord: Yeah. I was flipping through it and noticed this small picture of this guy. It was Joe Kapp, the former Viking. It didn't have his name on it or anything. Joe Kapp! He's my favorite player! You've heard of Tommy Kramer? Well this was Joe Kapp. Greatest player ever. So I want to tell them they should have had his name on the picture.
Me: ...
Former Landlord: I'll send you his highlight video.

6 comments:

Guacaholic said...

Yes! A label! Thank you!

Christa said...

I still have to add it to other posts, but it's a start.

Hotrod said...

I seriously need to meet this guy. can you set it up?

Mach1 said...

He has actual Playboy magazines? Is he not aware that the Internet is basically a porn buffet?

Christa said...

I'll see what I can do, Hotrod. Though I'm not convinced it's a successful pairing.

Mach1: You should know better than this. He doesn't have a computer, let alone the internet.

feisty said...

So I broke another piece in half....oh, man, the quotes just keep on coming. Thankful for your journalistic memory. Good stuff.