Saturday, March 19, 2011

Ask a Former Catholic: Chicken Powder versus Lent edition, Ep. 1 ...

What you are seeing here is a portrait of McDonalds messing with a good thing. Every year around this time I like to indulge in the frosty mintness of the seasonal Shamrock Shake. Just because I haven't done anything Catholic-y since helping float my niece in holy water a decade ago doesn't mean I've let go of all of the traditions of the faith within which I was raised. I still show my support for Lent every year by consuming the Filet O'Fish's best chaser.

I like Whipped Cream. Frothy sugar mixed with air. It is almost one of my favorite foods. On pie. Or my finger. This is like putting a Taco on my Pizza or rolling Jelly Bellys in Lick 'Em Aid. What a waste. Sure it was good. It couldn't not be. And sure I stabbed that extraneous cherry and ate the heck out of it. I'm still mad.

This is not a Shamrock Shake. This is a Shamrock Shake that was Starbfucked.

Speaking of Lent: A Facebook friend posted this two weeks ago on a Friday. I thought it was a legit question and I decided I wanted to be the resident expert on Would The Pope Consider This A Lenten Meat Violation. I didn't want to be the resident expert on her wall, however, because the last time I talked to her was during the 1992 high school track season. Nice girl, though. And the question is a good one.

Practicing Catholic who regularly gave up meat on Fridays during Lent, 1976-1994
Practicing Vegetarian who tripped and fell face first into a cheeseburger one time, 1999, 3 months.

A*: Cooked chicken powder does not count as meat, and not just because if there actually is anything from a chicken in this powder, it was invented in a culinary petri dish and then eviscerated with salt. Mostly I say this because during Lent, fish isn't even considered meat. And since something that actually is meat isn't meat, there is no reason to believe that something that has a negligible amount of meat is meat.

However. If this was a vegetarianism question, then yes. Cooked chicken powder is meat. It has "chicken" right there in the title and chicken is an animal with its soul wearing a cloak of meat. Otherwise it would be called chik'n and it would taste like chicken, except a little different in a way that would become less noticeable the further you got away from actual chicken.

So there you go. Episode 1 of Ask a Former Catholic. 

* Answers are written in a confident way that suggests I know what I'm talking about. They are not to be mistaken with the actual answers as they appear in the pages of the bible. Have a question about Catholicism you'd like to see fake answered by a former Catholic? Email me:


Lesterlynn said...

As a currently practicing Catholic, I concur 100% with your interpretation of Catholic abstinence rules. According to's "Ask a Franciscan" column, "such foods as chicken broth, consomme, soups cooked or flavored with meat, meat gravies or sauces, as well as seasonings or condiments made from animal fat are not forbidden." Catholics are free to use as much chicken powder as they get their hands on.

Christa said...

Sweet. I might have a future in answering this type of question. Thanks!