Saturday, July 24, 2010

Makes fire water ...

I am literally sitting on top of my third urinary tract infection of the summer. Either that, or the first 1 1/2 month urinary tract infection of my lifetime. This is all very boring for both you and me. They probably shouldn't give a keyboard to someone with chronic fire pee. At one time, my pages of the internet were teeming with infection. My not-unattractive male doctor described the human urinary tract in a way that made different parts of it sound like a marsh ripe with moss and mosquitoes -- although he gave me a dull stare when I mentioned the mosquitoes. I was tested for diabetes. They used an MRI to survey my innards. I can't remember why we didn't do further investigations.

Then I had a very exciting year where I only had like one or two -- both managed by the sort of drugs given to people who accidentally touch Anthrax.

During my winter physical, I bragged to my not-unattractive male doctor:
"It's been like a year," I exclaimed. Like I should get some sort of coin-sized marker to carry in my pocket.

So then I got one in June. Then I got one in July. Then I got another one in later July. This is really fucking with my average. Not to mention that I think when you hit 8-12 in a year they actually remove your kidneys, and run them through a car wash before returning them to their original location. The actual urinary tract is treated to something akin to beer bonging, then re-laced. (These are not necessarily the medical descriptions).

This one arrived on Sunday, skipped Monday, and then came back with a vengeance on Tuesday. I couldn't get in to see my not-unattractive male doctor until Wednesday. He must get a full-body cringe when he sees me fetal positioning in his office. Much like my own full-body cringe when I try to make water.

We bantered a bit, the way only a wary doc and his chronically infected patient can. Verbal high-fives and jokes about organs. I explained the genesis of my most recent go-round and he said with a straight face:

"... And so if this Erythromycin doesn't work, maybe you should think about becoming a nun."

He went on to explain the side effects of this medication, a new one for me: Stomach aches, loose stool ...

"So you're saying I might lose weight?" I asked.
"I'm saying you might have loose stool," he said. "And next time ... please don't brag about how you haven't had a urinary tract infection for a year."

So I've been on this for four days. I'm still alternately pouring tap water down my throat, and cringing as I expel it. Last night my stomach felt like I'd been eating firecrackers. I went to bed at 11:30 a.m., completely missing my Friday night ritual of 6 consecutive episodes of "Criminal Minds," while eating Golden Grahams. I've also adopted a limp as an outward indicator that I am in pain. It's important people know so they don't ask me to do things like be nice to them or make dinner.


Amy said...

what the hell did they put you on this time? dang woman!

Whiskeymarie said...

I just got my first one in 20 years- actually peed in the cup this very AM. Different symptoms- I was positive that I would have to steal new kidneys from a random stranger, such was/is the pain. This sucks.

I don't know how you live through this more than once every two decades- you're my new hero.

feisty said...

this is what i fear: superbacteria taking hold in people's bodies. whether UTI in a grown woman or ear infection in a baby....scary as hell.