Saturday, July 31, 2010

Introducing the Text Wizard ...

It seems like just yesterday. My former landlord would ask to borrow my iPhone, then paw at mid-air looking for an antennae to yank for better reception. Poor kid always said: "You know, I was one of the first people to ever own a cell phone."

Legend has it, he dropped it in a toilet and then went stone cold land line.

After "The Wire" made burners cool again, he got one of those. A used one that looked like it had been chucked in a gutter, and retrieved by Bubs using a soiled tube sock as a fishing line. Then all of a sudden he just had an actual cell phone again. A few minutes later, I was receiving text messages in the garbled styling of a 14-year-old girl.

Tonight's gem:

A STUDY OF THIS TEXT MESSAGE

PART 1
A) I have no idea what SWL means, and neither does Google. There are a few techie terms it could be, but this is from my former landlord. If a physician were to X-ray his head, it would look like a bowling ball.

"Is this thing completely solid?" his doctor would ask, rapping his knuckles against FL's noggin.
"98 percent," I'd tell him. "There's this little cubbie-hole where he stores lyrics to classic country songs."

B) What does it mean to invent a nonsensical acronym, and then immediately follow that by carefully typing out the nonsensical 9 letter word. His sausage appendages pounding out: "ludacrisp" ?

This messages seems to say something like:
"Dear Christa,

I have discovered an exciting new place for dining. It is called Texas Roadhouse. It is quite a pleasure to eat here. They serve a righteous amount of food for inexpensive prices."
PART 2
My question: "Is this in English" is totally self-explanatory, not to mention spelled 100 percent accurately.

PART 3
I guess it's the "txt wizrd" part that I find most haunting. I mean, this is the kind of guy who still complains about cell phone reception, which is so ... 2005. And the "LOL, bitch," well, there he is just showing off.

EPILOGUE
A little while later I got another message from my former landlord that included the phrase: "Lots of PML." I assumed he was at a bar. I tried to really get into the right frame of mind. I contorted my brain, snorted some drugstore cologne, conjured images of 21 year old girls, and grunted.

"People me likey," I told Chuck. "I bet PML means People Me Likey."

Readers, I was right. Except the first word. His was far more vulgar. But the gist was right, including the "me likey."  And really, structurally, that was the trickier part of the phrase.

2 comments:

Futbol said...

see, i would've assumed it was related to PMS. pre-menstrual lunacy, or leinenkugel's, or something.

Christine said...

I always picture your old landlord as a 65 year old.
Which really creeps this story out big time.