Welcome to Facebook. You two always were among the more -- shall we say "experimental" -- of my friends' parents. And I'm not just saying that because you had a strobe light in your basement.
As you know, Facebook is a social networking site. It enables you to reconnect with long lost friends, and become more intimate with new friends' digestive malfunctions. To put it in old-fashioned terms: It is like a phone book of the world. But it's a magic phone book that not only allows you to easily communicate with, say, Jenny. You can also find out which character she is from "The Office" [Dwight. Ohhh, snap]. I know you'll get a kick out of that, Mr. and Mrs. [Redacted].
Unfortunately in order for this system to work, Mr. and Mrs. [Redacted], you have to use your real name. People who want to "friend you" aren't going to search for Al Peggy**, no, they are going to search for Al [Redacted] or Peggy [Redacted]. I understand that you are concerned about identity theft, and that putting your name on the Internet is akin to just leaving your Mastercard on the sidewalk, with a Post-It note attached listing both your mother's maiden name and your high school mascot. This precaution, along with your cell phone that only dials 911, should keep you safe from all sorts of predators.
What you might not understand is that Facebook is a free service. You can both have your own account, under your own fictitious names. I know you share a home phone number, and a home mail box. Maybe your email even goes to [Redacted]email@example.com. I think that is awfully cute that you're turning your home into a functional museum of the obsolete. Not many people these days have the opportunity to say "Did you see what Jenny wrote on our wall?" But you should know that having your own page to fill with badges and virtual spankings and Lexulous bingo scores isn't wasting Internet. It's not lemon meringue pie, Mr. and Mrs. [Redacted], there is enough Internet for everyone.
NOTE: I write this knowing that some 14-year-old is sending me a text message right now about how no one wants to read more than 140 characters in a row. And that even this "140 characters in a row" joke is already tired.
** Names have been changed to protect the [Redacted family] from identity theft.