1. Sleep 15 hours of painful sleep, after having been disproportionately affected by cheap wine;
2. Eat an orange, reminding self that the amount of work that goes into peeling this fruit is greater than the amount of enjoyment that comes from eating it;
3. Watch "Hannah and her Sisters," and have conversation with Chuck about Woody Allen's powerful voice and how all of his characters sound like him: Nasally neurosis;
4. Order pizza from Bulldog while silently cursing that this transaction cannot be completed entirely completed online;
5. Catch the tail end of "Cheaters." On this episode, the philanderer does a dead-sprint from the confrontational cameras, and hides among the cases of beer on the bottom shelf of a convenience store;
6. Overhear primary organs screaming for water. Indulge them with upward of 16 glasses of water, served in a mason jar with a handle. A vintage piece from Norm's Beer & Brats;
7. Watch the first episode of Bravo's "NYC Prep." Do shots of water every time someone mentions that they are from the Upper East Side;
8. Watch an episode of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." Oh, Spencie;
9. Receive unsolicited IMs from Fannie's 7th grade boyfriend that say:
"u r a crazy bitch arent u" and "phsycho (sic)" Thank Jesus that my dearest friend did not marry this juvenile delinquent.
... then I would have achieved 100 percent success.