Saturday, May 30, 2009

The bald facts ...

Is there anything worse than premature balding? God, I have the worst hair in the world. It is so thin that it barely covers my entire head, leaving a gaping hole at the crown. And if I've learned anything about aging, it's that this will not magically correct itself. It's unlikely that I will wake up when I'm 40, blessed to see that I finally look like Cousin Itt.

This is most noticeable in the summer when I've retired the stocking cap. While in line at the Ghetto Spur I will catch a glimpse of myself on the screen of the surveillance camera. That lens completely zeroes in on the spot like it's being held by a proud mom, and my naked skull is going to play a clarinet solo during the fifth-grade band concert.

Let's just say that if I ever decide to lift a cheddar-wurst from the Ghetto Spur, I'll be in the clear. Those blue shirts will be combing the hillside looking for a perp with scraggly hair cinched like a hula skirt around a globe of blueish-white skin. (Consider this your warning, Ron Jeremy).

Cutting it short doesn't give it volume, it just makes me look more like my mom. (Not a bad thing, per se, but you show me someone who wants to look like their mom, and I'll show you a guy who just wants to cram his fat feet into a pair of size 6 Jimmy Choos). I can't grow it long, because it hangs in stringy wisps. Like, if you parted this fringe, you would find a handful of 20-year-olds lounging on a velvet couch, sharing a hooka and performing spoken word poetry.

I talked about this with the guy who cuts my hair. He told me to try Rogaine. In my mind, I cannot separate Rogaine from those infomercials for a product that is essentially spray paint. (Which also brings to mind the vintage Ken doll I had growing up. The old-school Lothario had a short velvety down pasted to his soft head. As he aged, spots were rubbed smooth, but eventually filled in with a few strokes from a black Sharpie).

One of my friends told me that if I used Rogaine, I'd maybe have a heart attack and die. She told me to try Nioxin, which I got today. It is supposed to keep you from losing hair, and make it more healthy. It smells like breath freshener for the head, so even if it doesn't work, the tingling will make me think it is. The girl who sold it to me had a thick mass of hair, and she gave it glowing reviews.

"Do you use it?" I asked her. Admittedly, hopeful she would show me a "before" photo where her head looked like a scorched and vacant lot.
"Pssshhh, no," she said. "I don't really have to."
Thank God, I thought. She looked like Ms. Texas.

So now I've got that going on. Just me, sitting around, watching my hair not fall out.

If you think I'm not going to put this in my arm pits, you aren't paying attention. By the Fourth of July, I hope to look like I have Crystal Gayle in a headlock.

6 comments:

CDP said...

I have a friend who is an esthetician specializing in holistic, organic products. She says that you should avoid sodium lauryl sulfate and sodium laureth sulfate in shampoo...apparently, they contribute to hair loss. You'd have to buy shampoo at a health food place or at Whole Foods, since pretty much every commercial brand contains one or both of those ingredients. It can't hurt, and maybe it will help.

christina said...

I have, inadvertently, been using shampoo from Whole Foods for about a year. I guess I should add that I'm not actually balding -- stupid exaggerator that I am -- I just hate having hair that is so thin.

Now I'm a little scared to try this stuff. :)

Maurey said...

I've had a semi-receding hairline my entire life. Let me know how it works ... I'm sure for me I'd start sprouting a thick Italian moustache.

Mach1 said...

This goes in my list of Top Five Blah Blah Blah-ler posts of all time. And yes, I do keep such a list.

Backpacker momma said...

Fellow hair falling out sufferer here. Thin thin thin. Just went to the docs to see if maybe I was missing a vitamin or something. He said there was a pill I could take but I'd need a hysterectomy first (nice huh? I opted not to) but then perscribed Minoxidil or something like that. You can buy it in a weaker form but he gave me the higher strength. This lovely little dream of thickening hair was quickly squashed by my bald-since-22 husband who, as a premature balder, tried EVERYTHING under the sun to not get the halo. He said it didn't work. However, my doc also said to stay away from the lauryl sulphates in shampoos too. They contribute to the loss. Thats all I got. let me know how the rogaine works.

Kristabella said...

I saw a guy on the train this morning with a button on his bag that said "Ask me why I'm bald."

So then I looked up and his hair was thinning. Not bald. So I didn't ask.