Wednesday, March 25, 2009

hot damn ...

yesterday i was taking off my running shoes and my left calve muscle clenched up and i screamed and mouthed the eff word. the face i was making, i've seen it in commercials featuring geriatrics. i sought solace in the face of the only other woman in the locker room.

she looked terrified.

i felt my leg, and it was thick and hard, like the throat of a snake swallowing a rat.
i limped around trying to remember what causes such pain: lack of calcium? lack of water? elliptical machines? taking my shoes off without untying the laces? previous crimes perpetrated against humanity? laughing at the misfortune of others? not running for three weeks? luck?

mother-effer that hurts.

today at the y, this grunt jumped off his treadie and did a neanderthal walk 20 feet to the disinfectant station. that bowlegged, practiced boy walk done by a guy who greets you with an inverted nod.

for the 9,000th time in my life, i thought: i'm glad i'm not dating one of those. i considered making a vimeo reenacting it as a cautionary tale to other men who are selecting the walk that will carry them well into their 30s.

i'm absolute horseshit at life balancing. i cannot run, read, write, and make delicious foods in the same day. i can run, read and make foods. i can read, write and make foods. it is the running and writing that refuse to coexist.

in other news, hot damn i love rainy weeks.

4 comments:

CDP said...

Potassium deficiency will cause leg cramps...eat a banana every day. I used to get them in the middle of the night when I was pregnant...I didn't scream giving birth, but I screamed every time I got a leg cramp. And "inverted nod" killed me.

diatribes and dish said...

so a snake's throat is hard when it's eating a rat? good to know.

Whiskeymarie said...

I've discovered that I have what I call the "triumvirate of accomplishments" rule: I can always only get three things done daily beyond the basics (showering, flossing, eating, etc...)

Three. That's it. Any attempts at four are usually met with: disappointment, TV, wine. Now I just accept my limits.

I get the leg cramps REALLY bad in the summer if I wear flip-flops in my usual 12-18 hour shifts.

Mach1 said...

Embarassment is getting a Charley Horse in your upper thigh after a high-school tennis meet and having to have your male tennis coach knead it out. (Notice I did not say "massage.")