Monday, January 5, 2009

making your hate notes count ...

this is what i was wearing today when i realized that i had been completely duluthified:
moon boots
no deoderant

long sweater
short jacket [my zipper is broken on my actual winter coat, so i had to make do]
horizontal slung purse
edie bauer backpack
omnipresent stocking cap

i think i just need a beard to complete this

today i did a scientific experiment on what kind of people go to the Y during daylight hours. like serious daylight hours, when the sun is like a thousand paparazzi flashbulbs in your face.

a harbor city oil truck was parked in the middle of the road in front of the house, a huge hose snaked into the neighbor's backyard. my car was blocked from leaving. i looked around for a harbor city oil oiler. then i went back to the car and wrote this note:

nice parking spot, asshat.

i was studying the word asshat on the piece of paper when the oil man returned to his truck. he laughed when i asked him to move his truck: took his sweet time putting away the hose and checking gauges and kicking tires and doing whatever it is that you do when you aren't hustling your bustle.

why "asshat" instead of the more familiar "asshole"?
good question.
i wanted to convey to this oiler that i meant business. that i was more clever than the average pissed off resident. that anyone can say "asshole" but it takes a real firy wordsmith to come up with asshat.

asshat makes me think of one of those foam chunks of cheese that packer fans wear. except it's a butt. and back when i still thought i'd plant the note under his windshield, i hoped oily would take a second to see that i had used a pretty terrific word, and to picture his own noggin capped in skin-toned anatomy.

the Y, by day, looks like a convention of mommy bloggers: past, present and future. everyone is either pregnant or has an infant in a spandex sling that matches their sports bra. it has a very circus effect. like something from a medical textbook: freaky siamese twins -- one 5'6, the other 20 inches -- bound by stretchy neon.


Beverly said...

I'm laughing at how you call this a scientific experiment.
And two, the sun is never that bright here. Maybe in August. For a week.

Miss Kate said...

You can exercise with your baby in one of those slings? That's safe? I'd probably choose the puffball route of Mt. Rushmore Calves if I had spawn of my own.

Kristabella said...

To me, asshat conveys more of a stupidity than just a run of the mill asshole. You have to me extra stupid to be an asshat.

CDP said...

I can't say "asshat" aloud; it's too funny and I'll start laughing. And no, you can't exercise with a baby in a sling or a baby carrier (except walking).

feisty said...

you look like duluth. heh heh heh.

Mach1 said...

Nanners is a fan of asshat, isn't she? She's called me that a few times...

nanners said...

you know it, mr. will.
about that outfit -- another version of duluth (say west) includes wranglers, carharts and work boots. please don't do that duluth.

Whiskeymarie said...

If it makes you feel better, I have rocked a look that is suspiciously close to your picture down here in "the cities" on more than one occasion.
I guess Duluth is kind of like herpes- it may lie dormant for a while, but you can never really get it out of you.

I love "asshat" for the same reason kristabella does- it works when plain old "asshole" just doesn't say enough.

Cee Gee said...

"Assclown" is another variation of asshole, and a favorite of mine

Angie said...

i am personally a huge fan of "asshat". "fucktard" is also a personal favorite of mine.

sorry for cursing in your comments, i'll understand if you delete me! :-P