Sunday, November 23, 2008

your skin is like diamonds ...

this week i decided to keep my meals simple. i either make something that requires saute, puree and simmer, or i take a softshell tortilla, fill it with refried beans and eat the shit out of it. this week i aimed for that elusive in-between.


tempeh rueben sandwich: 1. cut slab of rueben into four pieces; 2. roast the pieces for like 5ish minutes per side; 3. fill rye bread with sauerkraut, swiss cheese, and a piece of tempeh; 4. grill. 5. apply thousand island dressing.

fake matar paneer: 1. wring out extra firm tofu; 2. saute tofu; 3. dump madras simmer sauce into pan and let it simmer 10 minutes; 4. eat with basmati rice.

french onion soup: you'd be surprised how fun it is to sautee six red onions for a half hour. deeee-lish. although i'd use a cheaper version of swiss cheese than the fancy schmancy stuff we used.

Quid Pro Quo 2008: a reexamining of the amputation fetish that cronenberg brought to light in "crash." this stars nick stahl as a paralyzed radio show host ala ira glass who starts getting anonymous tips about a group of wannabe paraplegics who yearn for wheelchairs, leg braces, etc. while investigating, he meets fiona and gets a one-on-one tutorial on this not-so-mainstream lifestyle. two twists, but it only needed one. and the extra twist kind of undid the greatness of the other twist.

"twilight": robert pattinson sits at robert smith's makeup mirror and kristen stewart studies from the neve campbell school of wide-eyed seriousness in the hokey teen vampire romance "twilight."

lest you've fallen behind on your gen y pop culture, bella swan moves to forks, washington, and becomes embroiled in the dangerous sort of romance that they used to warn you about in after school specials: her boyfriend, edward cullen, is a vampire. and she is, obviously, a blood-tease. strutting around smelling delicious. a walking, talking, breathing slab of steak dancing under the nose of a vegetarian. here, it has teens aflutter. but when it was donna martin and ray pruett, it was supposedly a life lesson.

writer stephenie meyer bent the rules, making it not impossible for the vampires of her creation to be in direct sunlight. in one of the sillier special effects, edward's face sparkles, glittery, like he was motorboating a stripper.

"your skin is like diamonds," the practically party of fiver breathes. "it's beautiful."

the entire theater burst into laughter. thankfully we saw the movie with an audience filled wit bullshit detectors. granted, they looked like a commercial for tampax juniors. they also laughed when edward took bella on those high-speed runs through the woods and into the trees.

the storyline deviates little from the popular albeit shitty book. the roving pack of vamps that chase bella to the climax of the movie make an earlier appearance to amp up the tension. but for the most part, it is spot-on, meaning that every girl in the theater knew that close-ups of edwards eyes were something to swoon over.

the height of the movie is much better in the movie than in the book. bella facing down the rogue meat-eating vamp james. here the special effects are more matrix than the sort of crap anyone with two thumbs and windows movie maker can conjure.

i'd give it a three out of five stars, but mostly just because of the radiohead song at the end.

"spam turns serious and hormel turns out more" [via] Invented during the Great Depression by Jay Hormel, the son of the company’s founder, Spam is a combination of ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, potato starch and a “hint” of sodium nitrite “to help Spam keep its gorgeous pink color,” according to Hormel’s Web site for the product. Because it is vacuum-sealed in a can and does not require refrigeration, Spam can last for years. Hormel says “it’s like meat with a pause button.”

"Meat with a pause button": what a great phrase.

my friend/former downstairs neighbor/former jcrew seducer futbol has started a blog. in his finest moment, he likens himself to a third-world patrick swayze. i'm still laughing.

"12 year old is a food critic, and chef loves it": the new york time's story is about a preteen foodie, who chronicles his upscale restaurant meals in a leather notebook and has dreams of working for zagats. this is a golden read.

"the hills" did justin bobby say "zenful"? and worse, did that make audrina like him more?

"ghost adventures": the travel channel jumps the shark to bring you three real-life "ghostbusters," including their dull-eyed, taut tricep'd, bedhead brand gel wearing, latex t'shirt stretching romantic lead zak bagans. the premise: the band is locked in a known hauted site from sun down to sun up. while inside, they roam through tunnels and basements, taunting the ghosts to "move that chair!" or "slap me in the face!" or "talk to us!" in some scenes bagans uses the kind coaxing voice of a kindergarten teacher. in other's he tries to provoke a violent response. recent episodes include being locked in a mental institution and being locked in a factory. not much ever really happens and less is caught on film. mostly it is just dark video footage of bagans screaming out his goosebumps and that noise he heard over THERE!

this is some good stuff. i think its pretty funny when watched with an audience. i wonder if it would scare me in the dark.


Sproactually said...

You cat is plotting to kill you,
I can see it in his face.

Miss Kate said...

"motorboating a stripper" - you just made my day.

Kristabella said...

I do have to say, I did not think that Robert Pattison was Edward when he was cast.

But after watching the movie, HE IS SO EDWARD! Edward Pattison is his new name and I need to stalk him. Even if I'm like 9 years older. He's 22. He's legal.

Also, the sunlight thing was LAME. Better left to our imagination.

nanners said...

i haven't seen the movie so i can't be sure, but i am a huge iron and wine fan and think the last song in twilight is one of theirs. flightless bird, american mouth.
i was going to buy the soundtrack until i saw that other music purchased by those who purchased that was high school musical and the jonas brothers. !OMG!

tamara said...

French Onion Soup....mmm... i'll post my recipe on Facebook for you! Did you try the brassicas? ;)

mage2001 said...

i seriously have ZERO idea why (even after reading this) a book about a sexually frustrated girl who's boyfriend just won't "do it", is so enthralling. oh... wait i am talking about the interests of 14 year olds here.
and that freaking line is in the BOOK, i remember thinking how ridiculous - although it was not guffaw worthy - so don't blame it on the screen writers. blech! although you do give a much higher review than I anticipated.

DebRah said...

I have yet to read Twilight (or see it), but I feel myself being pulled in by the teen angst. Help.

Whiskeymarie said...

I was just writing on another blog how I have no interest whatsoever in "Twilight" right now, but I suspect that a much younger me would have embraced it and loved it as much as she loved her Siouxie and the Banshees t-shirt.
16 year-old me would probably have read the books 4 times and would have probably written an embarrassing letter to the male lead that she would never actually mail.

Now I want French onion soup, dammit.

Bethy said...

Oh. Em. Gee. That Fake Paneer looks fabulous. A tip for the veggies out there: go to Whole Foods and check out their deli bar. Write down ingredients, make at home. Case in point: f-egg salad. Tofu, dill, veganaise, mustard, lemon juice, chopped olives (optional), chopped pickle. Dash of cumin. Combine, apply to bread or in salad; enjoy.

christina said...

holy crap, bethy. you read my mind. i have that salad from the co-op all the time and i was wondering how they make it!