Thursday, November 13, 2008

on the list of mutual dislikes ...

the french vanilla coffee has now been marked to reflect the contents. looks like brother pista's christmas present is taken care of: one slightly used bag of beans. DISCLAIMER: this is not a statement against alakef coffee, which is roasted in duluth by the sort of people who will give you the bookcases off their back. rather, if it is an anti-flavored coffee sentiment. juan freaking valdez could personally sweat over this vanilla nonsense and i'd snub the gift. photo by chuck.

things were a little dicey here this morning at casa de coffee snobs. both chas and i had the sort of sleep that leaves one with marshmallow face and the sort of stubborn eye boogers that require one of those mr. mucous ball syringes for infants to extract.

we were: 1. out of coffee; 2. out of coffee filters, and i'm not one of those classy bitches with a supply of hanes her way control top panty hose to use in a pinch, anyway.

i woke first and decided to ignore the dull call for coffee and hope that a starbucks cropped up at the end of our street before the situation became too intense. then chuck got up. sat quietly in the blue glow of his laptop and announced he was walking to burrito union to get us coffee.

he returned minutes later. somehow we've become people who wake before burrito union opens. piss-poor planning on our part.

we sat quietly some more. chuck decided to go to the grocery store to fix this. he came home with the loot: a bag of alakef beans and enough filters dress the full cast of a musical about amish women.

chuck brews up a batch, walks into the kitchen and makes a horrified sneer: instead of french roast, he got french vanilla roast. this was absolutely unacceptible. because right there on the list of mutual dislikes, between LOLCATS and vin diesel, is flavored coffee or coffee that is diluted in any way to detract from hot, black, strong and caffinated.

on top of that, the coffee maker had malfunctioned, leaving us to split the spoils of half a pot of something that tasted like it should be served with estrogen pills and a scrapbooking kit.

10 hours later, chuck asked me if the house still smelled like french vanilla coffee [no] because he could still taste it [yes.]


Laurie said...

Dislike LOL cats? Heartbreaking. Just a moment ago I had to make a tough choice-blahblahblahler or icanhascheezburger first. I choose you. Only to have my LOL heart broken.

Sproactually said...

I could see not paying the electric bill, forgetting to feed your javelina toons, not having another deodorant in the hall closet, being out vacuum cleaner bags, or 1/2 sweat copper elbows.

But COFFEE?? What is wrong with you? Someone last emptied that bag and they should be made to PAY!!

tamara said...

I heard it from a good source that the Coffee Fairy will be leaving some French Roast on your doorstep at some point today...

Whiskeymarie said...

Ugh. I'm convinced flavored coffee was invented by a conglomerate comprised of vegans, extreme physical fitness fanatics and old English people.
They all got together one day and said, "Hmmm...what can we do to coffee to mitigate the fact that we refuse to enjoy the deep, dark, rich, caffeine-laden goodness that is nonflavored coffee? How, dear Satan, can we make it taste bad? We'll show those late-sleeping enjoyers of all things indulgent and wonderful. We'll get 'em!"

Flavored coffee should be in an aisle entirely separate from good coffee- next to the canned green beans and other nasty nastiness.

nanners said...

thank you for helping me discover lolcats.

Kristabella said...


As for the coffee, I'll put flavored creamer in my coffee every now and then, but there is something wrong with the beans being flavored.