Monday, October 27, 2008

my eyes are up here, lady ...

i have never felt more like a level three sex offender than i did today at the y. first of all, i wore this shirt thinking everyone in the world capable of programming an eliptical machine was probably aware of the university of south carolina's mascot.

it is the favored college-ware apparel of sassy midwestern frat boys, which we've all obviously seen loping around the jagarmeister aisle at our local liquor stops.

but as i was running, the woman working in the fitness center seemed more interested in my chest than any man or woman to date. i started to feel a little conspicuous. i was all "um, my eyes are up here, lady," but she was a squinting, reading mess of horrified confusion.

i could see it on her face. "does that woman's shirt say 'c*cks'?!" then trying to find a reasonable explanation for why a 33-year-old adult would make such a brazen -- or, dare i say, cocky -- show of her heterosexuality. or did she think it was more like actual fandom? like an obama 08 shirt except in support of private parts?

she continued to sneak looks at my shirt for the rest of the time i was there, with the same look on her face that i made when i heard the words "mucous" and "milk" in the same sentence last week. [digression: "mucous and milk" sound like the names of two adolescent brothers with opposing personalities who teach life lessons monthly in highlights magazine.]

1. i didn't buy this shirt. it was a 30th birthday present from daisy, who flew in for my party from south carolina.
2. i yanked it from a pile of t'shirts i either run or sleep in.
3. i did consider wearing it wrong side out when i was leaving the locker room, but decided that in a fitness center with a constant ESPN buzz, a shirt with this word splayed across it would first bring to mind the gamecocks and maybe not anything else at all.

but, damn if i wasn't at the duluth family ymca. i started to feel guilty. after my run, i went hunchback with a water bottle blocking the OC. and there were about 100 preteen girls from the swim team in the locker room, so i slouched some more and beelined for the adult locker room and had my jacket zipped to my throat before i even removed my ipod.

i'm buying that ymca a subscription to sports illustrated.

* chuck just got home, saw me sitting on the couch and said "that shirt is dirty."


Beverly said...

I have never heard of that as a sports mascot. You are dirty.

Sproactually said...

Women have eyes???? Since when? Maybe thats what my ex-wife was always trying to tell me.

Flenker said...

South Carolina was the first thing I thought of with that shirt. Does that mean I have a problem?? That shirt would have been a hit with my friends in Iowa City.

I would add that Wichita State's mascot would probably be a close second to the Gamecocks for Midwestern frat boys - the Shockers

CDP said...

You should get yourself a Wake Forest "Deacons" shirt; with any luck, you'll see the same lady, who will now think that you're a fan of the clergy.

Angie said...

cocks rock!

BriGuy said...

I vote that the next time you run you wear this shirt:

kristabella said...

I knew what it was for. But probably because I went to Arizona State, which is like a whole college full of frat boys, even though no one is really in fraternities. So there were a lot of Cocks hats.

Also, on VH1 on Real Chance of Love, someone said cock-blocked and they bleeped out cock with the sound of a rooster.

Wow, how many times can I say cock in one comment.