Sunday, August 31, 2008

toxic soup ...

this past week i mentally prepared for my birthday party and made toxic soup.


chocolate mint water, recommended to me by the punk rock girl -- who always recommends great things. minty. chocolatey. not gross at all. in fact, quite refreshing.

"black bean and chipotle soup": i wanted to make a black bean soup and it was raining and i found this recipe in my moosewood restaurant cookbook. holy sweet gentle jesus. henceforth, this soup -- which is actually more of a chili -- shall be referred to as fire soup. even i -- oh she of the dead tongue -- was a mess of snot and tears as i ate it. chuck literally jumped up and down and ran in circles over it. this recipe makes a lot a lot a lot of soup. and honestly, the parts i actually tasted were good. but i am afraid to eat the leftovers. my throat is seriously burning just thinking about it.

i can't figure out how it got so hot or why the recipe doesn't come with a giant poison logo plastered over it. i understand that -- in theory -- the word chipotle hints at a degree of difficulty. but wowsa.

i dare someone to make this.

"the lost weekend" 1945: fresh from rehab, our hero raids the sugar bowl for booze money and ends up on a weekend-long bender where he drinks rye by the gallons and stumbles around trying to hock his typewriter while his girlfriend, a classic enabler, chases him around. fantastic.

"disturbia" 2007: a terrifying text-messaging, itunes jiggering take on "rear window" starring a teenaged boy under house arrest who totally blows past borderline creepy in his neighborhood surveillence. hugely predictable [seriously? the new hottie next door neighborhood girl with the bedroom facing his doesn't have a pool in her backyard? who writes this crap? ... oh. wait. there she goes. half a lap, then lays out in the sun. of course].

scary: when kale admits to ashley that he's been watching her, describes in intimate detail what she reads and how she looks at herself in the mirror, she gets oozy goozy and instead of considering a restraining order, rewards him with a lap dance.

scarier: i don't see a single credit indicating that MTV had a hand in the production. what gives?

i can't lie. it was terrif.

"v" [the original miniseries] 1983: i as in about first grade when this show aired, and it immediately became part of our playground repretoire. along with a tag-like game called "robots and fairies" and the a-team, we played v.

more than 25 years later, i remembered just the basic facts:
1) rodent-eating lizzards dressed in human skin;
2) the dashing hero, played by marc singer;
3) my friend sparkles got to play diana in church-parking lot performances.
4) that marc singer was a pretty dreamy hero who's magazine appearances i monitored for many years after the entire v phenomenon.

things i didn't realize about v because i was, like, 7:
1) oh! this is about the holocaust;
2) marc singer is possibly the worst actor on this planet, or the visitors' planet.

"the hills": instead of actually doing her hair, lo wears a cinnabon on her head; for those wondering why lo doesn't like audrina, it's obviously because audrina hangs out with goth girls and everyone knows that lo hates goth girls. and hippies. and poor people. when spencer and heidi show up at spencer's sister's birthday party, brody says what i should have said to the tivomote: "this is too much drama. i just wanted to have fun."

question: why haven't they explained how doug knows brody and frankie?

required reading from gawker. i literally choked when i read about spencer.


Beret said...

Did you use the chipotle in adobo like they recommended? That will kill you with hotness. I love anything and everything that is spicy or hot. I always order the hottest version of whatever food I'm ordering, and even I can't eat chipotle in adobo with out crying.

V is so awesome. Rmember that one time on V? When the lady was pregnant? Then the lady had twins, and one was a V, but one looked normal, but then the normal one stuck out it's tounge and it was a V tounge? That was so cool. (That's how we talked about it on the playground.) Your robots and fairies game sounds a little more fun than our game "demons and skeleton warriors" (we had more boys than girls in our neighborhood).

Nick said...

Did you use the canned chipoltes? Those are ungodly hot. Being that they're just smoked jalapenos I don't know why. You'll only make that mistake once........

Hope the rest of your b-day party was fun!

Kristabella said...

We need to discuss the Hills. Why do I like this show again? And why did I used to love Lauren? And I don't care what anyone says, editing can't make anyone as big of a bitch as Lo. She's just a bitch. Period.