Monday, April 28, 2008

its not unbearable ...

this past week i tapped into my inner stephen king movie-watcher, found that with the right combination of bike helmet and sunglasses i can ride undetected among people who don't know me anyway, and i began shooting videos of things. this week is homegrown, so expect a week of asdklja;kj posts time-stamped at about 4 a.m.

pork tenderloin: ha! open package. be careful not to get pork goo on fingers. dump pork in shallow cooking pan. scrub hands until at least chaffe, if not bleed. make meat be 160 degrees, like it says on the package. ENJOY with foccacia from great harvest bread store and leftover asiago cheese from when you made foccacia!


homemade mashed potatos: respond "with skins." "no such thing as too much garlic" and "the more butter the better."
dramatically seared green beans: this is one chuck gleaned from vegetarian times. so crunchy. sometime spicy. so good, and the whole house smells like peanut oil.

colin meloy sings morrissey: in a crowded burrito union, after a few chester creek pale ales, you can mistake this american-singer-who-sounds-irish as morrissey. particularly if you haven't listened to morrissey lately. i'm in love with colin meloy's version of "everyday is like sunday." as for my friend the punk rock girl, the consumate morrissey fan, she laughed during the first song and handed my ipod back to me with this take: "it's not unbearable."

"cache" 2005: a family begins receiving anonymous video tapes: two hours of surveillence from in front of their house; the man's childhood home; an apartment in a different part of town. the man ties the intrusion to someone he wronged when he was six. long stretches of unchanging scenary and infuriating conversations that last too long and say the wrong thing. just when you're lulled to drooling boredom, something horrible happens. like "funny games," the end is a sort of punchline. and like "funny games" it's much better in retrospect than while you are watching it.

"the dead zone" 1983: stephen king, david cronenberg and christopher walken collide in this creepy movie about a man who has the power to predict fires, find long lost mothers and sniff out dirty politicians after he rams his VW bug into a milk truck and goes into a 5-year coma -- during which his randy girlfriend 'cleaves to another man' according to comatose's mother. this movie's most titilating death-scene involves a serial killer impaling himself, via throat, on an opened scissors. eventually old comatose saves the world.

"pet semetary" 1989: know what is terrifying? psychotic toddlers who cut into an achilles tendon with dr. dad's scalpal with the ease of breaking into a baked potato.

"get drunk and date": this is a post by georgia hardstark about why it is important to drink on first dates was a fun read and became relevant later in the day when fannie and i talked about the exact same thing in reference to the fact that she has a first date on a sunday, which makes the words mimosa and bloody mary very, very important.

"frenemy territory": because i cannot not link to mentions of "the hills" in actual leee-turature, here is an essay from the new yorker by nancy franklin. "i think people watch it mostly to figure out why they're watching it," she writes. i'm not sure why i watch it, so maybe she's right.

battlestar galactica recap: every saturday ian spiegelman of gawker recaps the previous night's episode of battlestar galactica. i never think it's not funny when he refers to adama as "miami vice." my favorite snippit from this week: Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff: "I settled! I settled for that freak! Those dull fracking eyes!" You are a mechanic with a studio apartment and you want to get the hotties? It's space, fatboy. Not Long Island.

"the hills: a new roommate":

* when heidi refers to audrina's ex as justin bobby during the awkward 'girls night' at the bar, does that mean she watches episodes of 'the hills' ? because that nickname was borne long after heidi had been banished to relationship vacation from lauren? oh heidi, its like you just wore a dave matthew's band t'shirt to a dave matthew's band concert. what's next? singing your own song on some upcoming karaoke night?

* audrina goes to dinner with justin, gives him the old flirty flirty ... i guess time heals all 'oh-my-boyfriend-is-making-out-with-another-woman-at-a-party-i-invited-him-to-again-this-week' wounds. as long as audrina is alive, there will be lifetime movie fodder. in five years she's going to be calling herself ginny and working as a waitress in some small town pie shoppe in nevada.

* so stephen returns next episode. lauren treats boys like boxes of old clothes, pulling them out of the closet when she's bored and wondering if they now, finally, the laguna surfer boy goes with these shoes.

"the paper: change is necessary:"

* does amanda have a hickey?
* i firmly believe that amanda and alex will end up at prom together -- their night plotted on color coded post it notes months in advance. ackward negotiations of second base will ensue.
* giana, who's eye rolls should have their own reality show, will be in her second trimester by the second semester.
* i've never wanted a waffle cone so bad in my life.

"the bachelor: meet the parents episode":

* how does matt the bachelor not know lorenzo lamas? don't tell me the snake eater trilogy didn't make it across the pond.
* shayne bought her leppard-skin mom a a leppard-skinned house, yet no mere home can contain the bosoms of this woman.
* wait. shayne used to be a brunette? a brunette who did backandsprings?

* i'm as surprised as you are that chelsea's family lives in house and not in the upstairs of a pizza hut.
* i decided i've mistaken her shyness and youth for trashiness.

* noelle is adorable. i think he sent her home because he can safely assume she won't go all sniper on him after the jilting. the other women? hard to say.

* risky play amanda, with the fake parents ploy. but oh my god. best bachelor moment ever. i knew i liked that girl.

* chelsea looks like a pretty severe russian gymnast during the rose ceremony.

"battlestar galactica: the episode where everyone is bleeding from the mouth": this week's 'not a cylon' award goes to baltar's harem. i'm pretty sure that most of them are not cylons. everyone else is fair game. including callie -- who as much as i want her to be gone for good -- maybe be rehatching in a goo bath as we speak.

* in trying to figure out what adama is reading to laura roslin -- perhaps an earth-bound publication? -- i found a small cult of people who consider these two the meg ryan and billy crystal of deep space.

other tv thoughts: um. that's stephen from laguna beach on one tree hill. i get confused when my reality tv steps into my very obvious and blatant fiction. then on gossip girl someone mentioned brody jenner's name. this is creeping me out.

* also, i didn't understand two jokes on last week's episode of "two and a half men." couldn't even visualize what sort of deviant act they were referencing. possible my prudey metamorphesis has cranked up a notch?


with another friend who has moved, i made a super inaccurate chart indicating the states my friends have moved to in the past eight years. i'm sure i forgot someone. i'm also sure that i cannot point to florida and tell you where miami or tampa are. bear with my approximations.


Miss Kate said...

I'm glad you're not my partner in geography class.

Anonymous said...

Every week when i get done watching the hills I wonder, "Why did i just watch that?" -Fannie