Sunday, January 6, 2008

without the decorative stud ...

i can't remember the last time i breathed normally. maybe it was a month ago, maybe it was august. maybe breathing was something i've never done, but heard about and it sounded nice: like spain. my recent history, at least, includes dried, pebble-sized blockages in my nasal passages that have me lightheaded, shallow-brained and craving that crack called uncut oxygen.


don't think i haven't tried excavating the suckers. i sit at stoplights, too, you know. i'm alone in bathroom stalls. i've done curious self-exams, probing the inside of my nose until my knuckle prevents further digging. until i believe i am about get pieces of my frontal lobe caught in my nail.

i've used my sharpest fingernail to get a feel for the pesky topography. for instance, to get to the most solid blockage, your finger would need to go north, then veer slightly to my east. i'm finding crust glued to the lining in my nose, and chiseling away at it gives me flecks of sharp scab, which i immediately empty onto second street. in an amazing show of regeneration, these jagged stalagtites return within hours. in the meantime, the discarded ones -- i'm assuming -- have made for pleasant, nonslip suburu driving for my fellow duluthians. you're welcome.

occasionally i'll knock something lose with a hearty trumpet-like nose blow. and for about 14 seconds the pure air singes my raw nose hair. it hurts. it hurts. it's like snorting dry ice and i can feel it in my brain.


sleeping is decent. chuck coincidentally purchased a humidifyer the morning after my worst instance of snort-sleeping. i must have sounded like i was gargling with chunky beef stew. he didn't complain about it, more like just made mention. now we sleep in the equivilent of a rain forest, which has done noticeable things for my peeling feet and cuticles. but within an hour of leaving the bedroom, i'm back to some serious mouth breathing.

i spend a lot of time thinking about squirting 7-up up or out of my nose; putting a dust buster hose up my nose; snorting vix vapor rub; finding a weak toddler and stealing its little blue bulb syringes and putting it up my nose.

in the meantime, the cartiledge is painful to the touch. bumping the tip of my nose feels like i'm stabbing myself with shards of porcelin. then one day i got a little tiny premenstral zit on the outside of my nose, separated only by a thin layer of skin from where it hurts inside. it was all the agony of an infected nose piercing, without the decorative stud.

so. i guess what i'm saying is: smell you later.

6 comments:

Whiskeymarie said...

I have woken up every morning lately probing for gold, so I guess I fall into the descriptors here.
I pick and I pick in the a.m., and it is nothing short of gross.
Pick. Pick. There's my nose, y'all.

Ick.

If this is what "celebrity" involves...
no thanks.

and, for he record- my verification word looks like:
thplemjjjjckslcmeuuuththskkky!

Just an F.Y.I.

Purple said...

This makes me wonder about nose picking etiquette. At what age does it become unacceptable to pick your nose in public? The little pirate had one nose picking and one butt scratching incident during his Christ mas concert, and I probably would not have noticed if my dad hadn't pointed out the taboos. My dad finds much pleasure in public butt scratching, nose picking,farting, belching..

Backpacker momma said...

I used plain vaseline, lined the inner nostril each night before bed, regular old pertoleum jelly, nothing vapor or medicated in any way. It seemed to help. Yes, with the vaseline in there it was tough to breath at first but I was pretty smooth in the a.m. And I know what you mean about getting some out and then just getting scabby and the pain - oh - the pain, even to the outer touch. I was there with you sister.

I also worked in a VERY dry and dusty place. Not sure if that contributed. Either way, I am healed and I contribute that to the vaseline.

Give it a shot, maybe it'll help you.

Beverly said...

When I was 14, we moved from Minnesota to California. Like melting permafrost, the crud in my nose went away. I didn't know life could be like that.
You can buy nonmedicated saline nose spray that will moisten up the inside of your nose. That might help.
I should say, too, that your "my body is a wonderland" is becoming my favorite category.

fannie said...

where have you been? haven't you heard about the netty (sp?) pot? You shoot warm salt water up one nostril, and it comes out the other. It's seriously a miracle. Look for the kit at a drugstore near you.

CDP said...

Snorting the warm salt water is the key. If you can't find the device, you can just snort it right from your hand.
By the way, this is by no means a pleasant experience, and you might curse the day I was born if you actually do it...but you'll thank me later.