when you last saw hank, he was:
1) wearing obscenely minute running shorts;
2) playing emotional roullette with unsuspecting coeds;
3) cackling at your misery and turning clever phrases to describe your weaknesses: you have to learn to land the plane, christa, you have a tendency to crash the plane;
4) grinding on a railing, a wall, your femur with a blue vodka mustache and a prince soundtrack;
5) coaxing you to do something you would regret with very little turnaround time;
6) keeping your beer mug filled and refilled and rerefilled so you didn't notice he wasn't drinking;
7) extricating your life story, to file away for future use.
actually, literally the last time i saw hank, he was driving a pt cruiser rental car backward at about 45 miles per hour. oh the hijinks.
but, god love the man who answers to the nickname "pure evil," and his harsh truths and hearty laugh. his rowdiness. he's the one who showed me that a life with oneniner would cause four softball games a week worth of bleacher slats in my thighs, an imploded liver, speed dials to 911 and a recurring role on "to catch a cheater."
he also hauled me on long runs, dragged me to duluth and kept me hydrated. and when i finally understood him, kept me entertained with stories of nos. 1-7 -- which are always better when it is someone else going through hank's finishing school for wayward young women.
eventually he moved to a different time zone.
i read the email aloud to chuck.
"hmm," chuck said. "that sounds like a mass email. i bet you aren't the only one who got it."
but, but, but, i spat, different now ... new life ... wife, son ... ?
that afternoon i ran into the norweigan wonder, who told me that she had just received an email from hank. i stopped.
"what did it say?" i asked, skeptically.
didn't want to take a breath in 2008 ... blah blah blah ... first christmas with hankito ...
BAH! i feel for emotional spam. and when i busted him on it later? he cackled. pure evil.