Friday, January 11, 2008

pure evil emotional spam ...

a few days ago i received a quick holiday greeting from my old friend hank. three sentences telling me he didn't want to take a breath in 2008 without telling me that he thought of me often and wanted me to know he valued our friendship. one more sentence about his first holiday with baby hankito. aw, i thought, look who found jesus.

when you last saw hank, he was:

1) wearing obscenely minute running shorts;
2) playing emotional roullette with unsuspecting coeds;
3) cackling at your misery and turning clever phrases to describe your weaknesses: you have to learn to land the plane, christa, you have a tendency to crash the plane;
4) grinding on a railing, a wall, your femur with a blue vodka mustache and a prince soundtrack;
5) coaxing you to do something you would regret with very little turnaround time;
6) keeping your beer mug filled and refilled and rerefilled so you didn't notice he wasn't drinking;
7) extricating your life story, to file away for future use.

actually, literally the last time i saw hank, he was driving a pt cruiser rental car backward at about 45 miles per hour. oh the hijinks.

but, god love the man who answers to the nickname "pure evil," and his harsh truths and hearty laugh. his rowdiness. he's the one who showed me that a life with oneniner would cause four softball games a week worth of bleacher slats in my thighs, an imploded liver, speed dials to 911 and a recurring role on "to catch a cheater."

he also hauled me on long runs, dragged me to duluth and kept me hydrated. and when i finally understood him, kept me entertained with stories of nos. 1-7 -- which are always better when it is someone else going through hank's finishing school for wayward young women.

eventually he moved to a different time zone.

i read the email aloud to chuck.
"hmm," chuck said. "that sounds like a mass email. i bet you aren't the only one who got it."

but, but, but, i spat, different now ... new life ... wife, son ... ?

that afternoon i ran into the norweigan wonder, who told me that she had just received an email from hank. i stopped.

"what did it say?" i asked, skeptically.

didn't want to take a breath in 2008 ... blah blah blah ... first christmas with hankito ...

BAH! i feel for emotional spam. and when i busted him on it later? he cackled. pure evil.


L Sass said...

Oh man, that is the worst!

My two best friends from high school (ridiculously) were not talking to each other several years ago. It was sad, but it was also great because I could sent them the exact same "Here's what's going on in my life" email with the same witty observations and then just change the "how is your job / relationship / family" part to suit each of them. Now they're friends again and so I have to take the time to write each a personal email, lest they compare and realize I've cut and pasted.

some guy said...

i wasn't even important enough to get that e-mail.

christina said...

jcrew didn't get it either. hank will tell you that he was planning on sending you something more personal, and more dirty, and that i am a ninny.