Wednesday, January 30, 2008

judging books ...

i'm sitting in the parking lot of blockbuster video mentally drawing a composite sketch of what i imagine the biggest jackhole in the store right at this moment looks like. my guess is based on just one thing: he has parked his oversized marroon pickup truck at such an angle that it is impossible for me to back out of my spot. as his car is already parked on the mangled eyesore side of my broken civic, part of me just wants to fling this baby into reverse at 45 miles per hour. rip off his bumper like its a dry cuticle and spit it out on central entrance. just to teach him a lesson.

i decide he is in his early 20s, overweight, with a lazy amount of hair on his baby face. backward baseball cap and a hooded sweatshirt. and here i get pretty specific: i decide that he will be wearing adidas athletic sandals and tube socks on the coldest day of the year. his jeans will be too long.

you're probably wondering how i can be so sure that i am dealing with a jackhole and not just a sweet, gentle sort who is easily distracted and accidentally parked badly. here's how: there is no way the jackhole was able to extricate himself from the driver's side. he had to slide his bloated substitute right fielder kiester over the truck's bench, crushing nitty gritty dirt band cd cases, and exit via the passenger side.

i watch the door of blockbuster in my rear view mirror for seven minutes. if i know this kid, he's taking his time, browsing. maybe he even snagged a copy of rolling stone under his arm and made for the unisex bathroom where he can lay a deuce.

finally i just go back inside.
i head directly to the video game rentals. he's more xbox and less playstation.

he's not there. i dust the perimeter for my jackhole, but he's not in the new releases. not in vintage action or comedy. no one in this store meets the profile i've created.

i approach one man and ask him if he owns a big truck. as soon as he turns around, i know its not him. too clean. and he's wearing a peacoat. then i ask another, again immediately sure its not him. in fact, i'm pretty sure this second guy has never even spit in public, let alone fill a mountain dew bottle with brown drool and let it freeze in his passenger seat like the jackhole i'm looking for.

and i'm right. both shakes his head no when i ask.

when i find the culprit, my mind is blown. she's in the comedy section and she's a she! that didn't match my profile at all. although as soon as i saw her i knew: she kind of looked like a jackhole. a different kind of jackhole, but a jackhole nonetheless. she told her boyfriend -- who also didn't meet my desciption, and in fact looked nothing like a jackhole. "i'm going to go move the truck for this girl." he didn't seem surprised.

i followed her out to the parking lot.
"hmm," she said, looking at her truck. "i should probably get in on the other side ... doesn't look like there is much room on that side."

so, what? you -- or your boyfriend -- just got out on the other side for sport the first time? or am i going to find a mysterious marroon racing stripe next time i look at the passenger side of my car?

this is why i never leave the house.

7 comments:

Mach1 said...

Stereotypes that are always true: The person in front of you driving too slowly is always old. Hot women who chew gum in an annoying way are always trashy, or at least dumb. People who like dogs too much are socially retarded in some way.

Beverly said...

You should have asked if you could take her picture for your blog.

Whiskeymarie said...

No, not too surprising at all that it was a lady-sort.

Love the use of the word jackhole. I need to work it into conversation sometime today.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

funny, though infuriating story.

i had a somewhat similar experience today with a jackhole driver. apparently thinks it's cool to pull his big ass diesel truck into the semi-full school parking lot at 50 miles an hour. while kids and parents are trekking in and out of after school care. he then proceeds to damn near knock me over while blabbing loudly on the cell phone attached to his head.

sometimes i really, really hate people.

Ryan said...

I'm thinking you should of dowsed the scene with some anti-freeze. Everyone loves, "Oh ... thanks so much for moving your car for me! Um ... I think your car or truck is leaking anti-freeze. Have a nice Day!"

kristabella said...

Oh man, so many times I've wanted to just ram some asshole's car when they do something like that. But was worried about damaging my car.

I'm impressed with your restraint.

And maybe you should get Netflix.

L Sass said...

I'm with Kristabella--Netflix is clearly the way to go. It's weird, I have the same kind of judgy, frustrated relationship with other pedestrians on the sidewalk that you drivers have with other drivers and parkers.

Fortunately, I am very unlikely to be able to kill someone in a moment of sidewalk rage.