Friday, December 21, 2007

a funny thing happened in my mouth ...

apparently i'm allergic to kiwi. i had a suspicion about it, considering everytime i go through a kiwi-eating phase the inside of my mouth begs for the soothing touch of a steel wool lozange. i just assumed that my mouth itched because i was about to win money, or someone was thinking about me. mostly, i've let the deliciousness of kiwi distract me from its ill effects.

i don't really believe in allergies, per se. just like i don't believe in migraines, twisted ankles or chronic back pain. sinus infections and kidney stones. these are all pure fiction created by people who know that sometimes you need to leave a place immediately, and it helps if your reason has a latin-sounding name.

besides, i already get frequent urinary tract infections. that keeps me plenty busy. it would be redundant to saddle me with another special medical anomaly. there are plenty of people in the world stuffing their faces with kiwi, snorting pollen, doing back-walkovers and being very, very reckless with their ankel-care. these people are craving hives. these people want a reason to buy an embroidered epi-pen holder. these people seem ripe for a kiwi situation. not me.

today was my third day of what i had hoped would be a new food marathon: a mix of yogurt, kiwi, and blueberries, topped with apple cinnamon granola. something i can feel good about going all old country buffet about, stuffing that junk into my face like its an eating contest. and for the third consecutive day, my mouth felt like i'd been sucking on chicken pox.

finally, i consulted my very thorough, very factual dr. worldwideweb, who confirmed that kiwi allergies are common. and among those with kiwi allergies, more than 80 percent are sawing away at the insides of their mouth with a fork, like me. other's get puffy. turn red. suffocate. puke and wheeze.

i also learned that mixing kiwi with dairy products is never a good idea. the somethings in one attack the somethings in the other, leaving you with a digestive nightmare that sounds akin to the fantastic chili incident of 2007. this explains another bodily complication i thought i'd not have to share with the world. i thought i could just let it pass, so to speak. but since it ties into my kiwi allergy ... let's just say a less classy girlfriend would totally dutch oven her special someone. let's just say i have exhausted my excuses to leave the room abruptly, sometimes in mid-sentence. meanwhile, chuck's neighbors think i've taken up playing tuba solos on the back deck.

i also learned that a person with a kiwi allergy is more likely to also be allergic to latex.

looks like that fantasy where i dance around the kitchen wearing yellow dishwashing gloves and eating kiwi is never going to come to fruition. hope that isn't a deal breaker: it could kill me.


Beret said...

Unfortunately kidney stones really do exist.

fannie said...

maybe it's the kiwi skin that's making your mouth itch. :)

L Sass said...

What a crazy allergy! I am sad for you, because kiwi is delicious, but seriously... MORE KIWI FOR ME!


Kristabella said...

You are so funny! The tuba solo thing made me almost spit out my orange soda. But I don't like to waste one drop of orange soda. Even for funny girls in Minnesota.

Whiskeymarie said...

I don't understand kiwi anyways. i can't taste anything when I eat it. It is the fruit equivalent of diet-caffeine-free-pepsi clear.

I say you're better off without it. Now you'll have more time to discover more exotic and tasty fruits such as blood oranges and champagne grapes.

I thought I was allergic to apples because the same thing would happen to me when I ate them- swollen, itchy mouth.
I just kept eating them and now I'm fine. I think my allergy was imaginary, like scabies or hemorrhoids. I don't think yours is.

Beverly said...

Food sensitivities can have severe symptoms, and yet not be true allergies as defined by doctors. That means you might go to a doctor, and just because you're not in anaphylactic shock, they'll dismiss your problem.
Or, hypothetically, you could take in your baby with food-sensitivity issues, and be dismissed. Then you'll be left bitter and angry, never trusting doctors anymore.

Purple said...

YES! Oh..sorry about my enthusiasm over your case of poison ivy mouth, but finally there is someone else I know with a weird fruit allergy.

I am allergic to bananas. My mom was in a bit of denial over this when I was a child, I think because my allergic reaction was different every time. First time I remember a reaction I was about four, and I got a mild case of hives. I think it was about a year later when my mom reintroduced bananas into my diet, and I threw-up. When I was seven, after some sort of banana pudding concoction, my throat swelled and I was rushed to the emergency room where it was confirmed that yes - I am allergic to bananas.

And yes, Virgina, there are Kidney Stones (I figure you'll get that christmas reference). My case was actually recorded in a medical book. I was only 13 and had two pretty substantial stones, so at the time I was one of the youngest reported cases with stones of such a size. Unfortunately, this was before laser surgery. Instead Drs. went up through my pee hole, into my innards, to blast those stones while way too many interns/Drs. surrounded me pointing "Ohhh...what a novelty...How exciting!"
P.S.I was sedated but I am positive that is how the surgery went.