Thursday, October 11, 2007

pulp non-fiction: how i came to own a juicer (and other stuff) ...

i've discovered an underground super secret society. they call themselves "juicers" and they liquify things. you don't have to look for them. just mention you are interested in drinking carrots and they will hunt you down.

a few days ago punk rock girl and i were discussing my new concession to breakfast: naked juice. this is one pound of fruit, 300 calories of drinkable food that i can actually consume before 4 p.m. without fearing i will eventually regurgetating my own stomach lining.

punk rock girl and i had matching bottles of the flavor red machine. she told me she isn't as into blue machine, i told her that the green flavor tastes good but looks like you are lapping scumb from your toilet bowl, so you have to close your eyes to drink it. she told me the protein flavor is grainy. i assume that is the ground up chicken parts. and here i casually mentioned that i was interested in buying a juicer, so i could make my own naked juice.

two days later, our mutual friend the norwegian wonder is hauling a 25 pound, multi gadgeted, appliance from her back seat and into my open arms. this thing is intense. it could kick my blender's ass in an appliance showdown. it would choke hold a bread machine. it could probably put up a good fight against a refrigerator. about the only true, undeniable champion would be a cement mixer, but seriously: that matchup is completely unrealistic.

"i really liked it," norwegian wonder says, handing me an informative video. "but [husband] just wasn't supportive."

i can imagine that introducing this juicer to a kitchen would require an entirely new set of shelving. perhaps even its own wheeled kiosk, or a revamped electrical outlet system. perhaps deep dialogue for the parties involved:

"seriously," the norwegian wonder confessed. "you have to both be on board. it's like going to whole foods."

as for me, i have a tiny kitchen. adapting to a juicer lifestyle will mean unplugging my toaster oven while holding my coffee grinder and shoving celery stocks down a shoot, all while fending off the neglected advances of you-know-who: toonses.

the norwegian wonder had been hoping to sell her mammoth piece of juicer at a garage sale. and so, when she handed it to me, it still had a sticker on it that said $40. and honestly, this thing is worth at least three times that much.

"do you want 40 dollars?" i asked her.
"meh," she made a face. "it needs to go to a good home. if you use it and want to donate something eventually, meh."
norwegian wonder is a little layed back.

***

"i got a juicer!" i told chuck. "i'm going to juice your finger!"
"you should juice a squirrel," he said.
"gross," i said.

***

"hey," dude's wife sent me a message. "if you are getting into juicing, you should talk to dude."

man, word travels fast in this cult.

***

today the norwegian wonder gave me a book on juicing called "the juicers bible." this book talks about food, ailments, and what foods to mash in your juicer to fix what ails your hangover or urinary tract infection. [i'm sure there are other disease cures, i just didn't read them yet as these are my favorite.]

***

later the norwegian wonder gave me a free monthlong pass to anytime fitness, and taught me to knit the norwegian way. then she gave me a handful of craisins.

"you know i already like you, right?" i told me friend. "my friendship is yours."
she laughed.
and then i thought: true, in this case we are already friends. and eventually i'll donate for the juicer. but if we weren't friends, we would be now.

my friendship can totally be bought. try me.

10 comments:

havington said...

try juicing 2 apples and 1/4th of a lemon, leave the rind on the lemon, drink over ice. Wicked awesome!!!

I know when I first got my juicer I wanted to uses it to chop tree branches up to make mulch for the yard. It seem like it would tear through anything. . .

I think I am going to go make some juice.

Flenker said...

I am extremely jealous! I wish I had a friend that would give me an appliance, then show me all of these neat tricks. Especially a juicer! Now I'm going to have to go to Jamba Juice or something. Thanks a lot.

:)

nanners said...

you guys are freaks.

Joe Nobody said...

Was doing a random search for Minnesota blogs... didn't you used to work at Barlow's? You look familiar for some reason...

christina said...

no, but i definitely used to shop there.

Joe Nobody said...

Hmm, I know I know you from somewhere... maybe we knew the same person or something.

Weird...

christina said...

can't help you. you have no identitfiers on your site.

Joe Nobody said...

I am nobody...

christina said...

ok. i just figured out who we know in common based on what you were searching for on my site.

and she worked at barlows.

we were friends in high school.

Whiskeymarie said...

I have a Popeil Rotisserie, brand new, sitting in the garage waiting for a rummage sale. My mother-in-law gave it to me for some reason. I guess she thinks I want to "rotisserize" things at home.
If you're desperate for bulky appliances that may or may not get used, she's all yours.
Think about it! You could cook that chicken to a succulent brown before you pop it in the juicer to make your protein drink.
Mmmm.....