Thursday, September 6, 2007

now making up for years of skipping the science fair ...

i don't know what you did last night, but i attempted to cure a scorched tract with a drug cocktail of: 2 phenazopyridine hydrochloride pills and one tiny yellow wal-finate -- the walgreen's version of a four-hour not-nondrowsy allergy medication. my thought process at 4 a.m., in chronological order, having been propped up in the bathroom for four hours:

i'm bored. i can only handle endless love in small, small doses.
these characters remind me of adam and michelle, who were dating in junior high. adam in eighth, michelle in seventh.
they were so in love.
one time michelle's parents came home and found them both naked and kissing in the living room.
they were no longer allowed to talk, let alone date or stand naked in the living room.
they "broke up" but continued to pass notes and meet on the sly.
in founder's hall, a cove in the church basement. at burger king.
eventually they fizzled.
i should walk to walgreen's for some pain pills.

at 4:39 a.m., alone in the hillside, i considered the way my life could take an awkward turn into a lifetime original movie. but then i realized it was just a cat in the bushes. to be fair, i was also freaked out by the gas tanker replenishing super america's supply and the bored and creepy gaze of the driver and the kenny loggins song coming through the outdoor speakers at the closed and eerily lit store.

i sprinted the last block.

by the time i got back 20 minutes later, i really had to go again. so i sat on the throne and began, again, considering if this is just a beer allergy. i've broken out into hives before after a night of indulging. maybe hops mess with my innards.

so i looked in the medicine cabinent and found allergy meds and immediately went for the not nondrowsy. i was wide awake and thought not nondrowsy might serve dual purposes. quell inflammation; knock me out.

i immediately fell asleep.

i woke at 1:30 p.m. and was toeing the line of catatonic. chuck was talking. i could hear the words. the room smelled like coffee i couldn't move. i was the head in metallica's one video and completely unable to move my mouth enough to tell him this:

i just had a dream that i had a white chevy celebrity.
it was kind of beat up.
i had to move it, but i had to push it instead of driving it.
so i pushed it to a new spot.
then i had to push it further.
then a little further.
then it rolled over a hill and backward into lake superior.
when i looked over the ledge, i saw my car, on its side, in about 30 feet of clear water.
so i asked the man who lived by the drop off what i should do.
he gave me a phone book and told me to call a tow truck.
he said it would probably cost 40 dollars.
and i thought "that's a pretty good deal."
i couldn't figure out the phone book, so he opened to the right page for me.
end of dream.

right before he left, i finally mustered enough strength to ask him how to degroggify. he said: try two pots of coffee. i woke again at about 4:30 p.m.

i spent the day looking like i'd been smacked in the eye sockets and i'd let a third grader comb my hair.

anyway, i still can't tell if it worked or not, the allergy medication. but if it did work, i believe i'm a medical anamoly, as no one else in the googlesphere has mentioned this form of relief. i will then tell doctors to throw out their expensive textbooks and pick up a copy of the norton anthology.


HEWY said...

Wow what a story. I'm glad you survived.

amy a. said...

girl, you have to get your kidney's checked.

Whiskeymarie said...

I have been known to take massive amounts of allergy medicine and usually I'm immune to the drowsy effects, but wal-finate knocks me on my ass everytime.

But, at least I don't itch and I don't sneeze. And hey- I like sleep.
It's a win-win situation.

Miss Kate said...

Wait, if Endless Love isn't about allergies... But you took allergy meds... What am I missing? Why can I not comprehend what a 3rd grader can?