see, now, this is what happens when i discover mtv.com has full episodes of "real world: sydney" and season three of "the hills" online. this is what my sunday looked like. stay tuned for a very special youtube.com, featuring me hopped up on summit pale ale and chuck lancing my laptop with a stove-sterilized butter knife. i hear "video killed the radio star" playing in the background ... the slow-mo surgery scenes will absolutely kill you.
i've started running again. not the kind of run-running that gets people places quickly and negates the fact that i used about six pieces of pizza tonight as a way to administer jimmie john's garlic-flavored butter directly into my gaping face hole.
["i'm going to buy a gallon of this stuff and keep it at my house," my landlord said.
"really? because i'm going to fill my bathtub with it, put on a pair of goggles and submerge myself. with a straw," i said.
he just stared at me dumbly. you can't beat clogging your pores from the inside and out at the same time.]
i've been doing the kind of running that is actually mostly walking, but called running because running is sexy and walking is the reason your mom owns a pair of pristine white reebox and gets to the miller hill mall by 7 a.m. every monday, wednesday and friday.
i run a block. i walk a block. i run a block. i walk a block. i dream of some day running two consecutive blocks and then i dream of someday being the fastest limper in the 66-and-up age bracket. like, maybe next summer.
so far this hasn't been too taxing. i can still walk afterward and my ass doesn't feel like i left it laying in the front yard during a hail storm. it is probably a little too easy, but right now i'm just trying to build a habit that doesn't come in wide, filterless or menthol flavored. and a hobby that doesn't start with the letter www.
today i set my personal world record, completing my customized loop in 46 minutes. this is an eight minute personal world record. i recorded this in a special little workout journal, complete with the words "WORLD RECORD!"
people will tell you that the best part of competing in a race is the sideline encouragement. the strangers cheering for you and the rock bands playing katrina and the waves cover songs in front of perkins. the dixie cups of beer. the peppermint candies and the friend you made because she is slow, too.
i'm here to tell you that running in central hillside has all of this, even just on a tuesday afternoon. high fives, cheering, pace setters.
ENCOURAGEMENT I'VE RECEIVED WHILE RUNNING THE STREETS OF CENTRAL HILLSIDE
1. two men and two women. one woman gave me a once-over, then without moving her lips said to the man she was with: keep your eyes to the front.
2. a little girl, about six, looked at me, looked at her mom and said: "mama, that lady is wearin' some short shorts." then she chased me down the street on her two wheeled scooter.
3. a woman outside of the twins bar, who looked like maybe she needed an extra leg to balance. "that's right, girl," she said to me. "i'd be wearing the same thing! whoooo whoooo!" [this ended in a high five]
4. two woman were walking toward me and i looked to be on the receiving end of yet another high five. "you go girl," she hollared. we smacked hands and i kept going.
[this certainly beats last summer, which will forever be known as the summer i saw a lot of sexually deviant behavior while working out in central hillside. the kind of things that i assumed required a bowl of cheetos, some angst over a prom-related incident 20 years ago and the neon glow of a laptop in your elderly mother's basement. but who am i to judge what people do in public? i walk slash run, heavy on the walk.]