Saturday, August 25, 2007

drinking little sleazers so you don't have to ...


" ... actually, you could probably stand to wash your hair."
lakeview coffee emporium, 4 p.m.

little caesars pizza was the tastetrack to every slumber party molly koshatka ever hosted. i surveyed six pies splayed across the kitchen table and thought the koshatka's must be very wealthy to be able to feed a half-dozen pre-pubescent squealing partiers hopped up on orange crush. rich, at least, in pizza.

we'd pig out until our second-grade tummies were bloated, then do what all second-graders do:

put on football helmets, get on our knees and play a game called "retarded basketball" flinging things into a 3-foot-high nurf hoop in her playroom. her name was always "jimmy"; i was "corky bobber." the term "politically correct" had not yet infiltrated rochester, minnesota.

***

one of the first opinions i ever developed was this: i do not like little caesar's pizza. it was the closest thing to drinking pizza that i could imagine, this soupy mess of ingredients. in those days there was a small little caesar's sattelite at barclay square, next door to the movie theater. first, when i realized that i could afford to buy three pizzas for five dollars with my $2/every two weeks allowance, it occured to me that i was practically an adult. later i realized that "cheap" and "in bulk" does not always mean "good" and in fact probably means the opposite.

were we sitting in a bar right now, i'd tell you what i really think little caesar's crust tastes like. but for the sake of maintaining a relatively pristine web site, i'll modify it to this [which is close enough]: little caesar's crust tastes like what i imagine it would taste like to jam your tongue into a stranger's swampy belly button.

***

a bunch of little caesar's branches just popped up in duluth.

***

the other day chuck and i met for dinner at subway. he walked into the shop and said: i just passed three teenagers sitting on a curb eating little caesar's pizza. i recoiled in horror. they're feeding seagulls, too. my stomach lurched.

***

when it comes to pizza, i like something heavy on cheese, light on sauce, with a crust that doesn't taste like human flesh. when in rochester, i would opt for something from mr. pizza or billotti's; here in duluth my first choice is pizza man [if only for the cheese bread] or bulldog pizza. i like pizza luce for when i'm in the mood to eat something similar to pizza [ie round, and cut into triangles] but slathered in something like garlic mashed potatos and bacon bits. i will eat VIP and not complain. and at the risk of negating my bid for duluth homecoming queen, i'll admit this: i do not like sammy's pizza.

i'm also opposed to dominos and pizza hut.

***

yesterday i overheard my landlord celebrating the new little caesar's. for him "cheap" and "in bulk" are a rally cry. the time he bought 300 dollars worth of mountain dew, filling the bed of his brother's pickup with green cases and later turning the loot into a makeshift coffee table. most recently he brushed me off with a hurried "i have to go buy some lawnmowers."

some lawnmowers? i don't know why i was surprised.

he had a cheese pizza spread across his table.

"[scrubs] bought it," he said, referring to his girlfriend. "it's cheese, but it's decent."

here he held up a coupon sheet and pointed to a photo of a 16-inch pizza. "i mean, look at THAT!" he said. "it's like five bucks!"

he offered me a piece. and truthfully, i was starved. i'd only eaten an egg sandwich from lakeview coffee emporium six hours earlier. still ... how hungry do you have to be to lick a stranger's swampy belly button?

7 comments:

ceecee said...

I love it when citizens on other Duluth blogs say things like, "When are we going to get a decent restaurant in this stupid town? Like a Little Caesers? Or Buffalo Wild Wings? Or for the love of God, a TGIFridays? That's what this town needs!"

christina said...

i also think it is funny that we didn't just get ONE little caesars, we got many.

look at a topographical map of duluth right now, and it looks like a bad case of pizza face.

Whiskeymarie said...

They're popping up like crazy in the Cities too. I am convinced that the "cheese" they use isn't cheese at all- it is actually a by-product of the production of saran wrap.
Me & my roommates lived on L.C. in our first apt.
I probably still have 5# of plasticine "cheese" in my lower intestine. Ick.

willash said...

B-level horror movies use Little Caesar's pizza to simuilate gore for their corpses (and soon-to-be corpses).

Fact?...Or something I completely made up?

Beret said...

I never found good pizza in Duluth. All my jr high friends LOVED little sleazers (what we called it back then too) but after we found a centipede in our crust one day (from the Lakeside store) we never ordered again. It was Dominoes from then on and I actually hated Dominoes even more (the Noid didn't help). Now when I come to town my parents love to get Sammy's but I can't stand their sauce or their little squares, or the crust. Maybe I just hate pizza??

Miss Kate said...

Riddle me this: If Little Caesars can't make it in St Cloud, the Epitome of All that is Cheap in Minnesota, how will they survive in Duluth, which actually has decent pizza?

I am a VIP girl. Or Shamrock, if I'm drunk. Or Gronk's if I feel like gaining 7 lbs.

christina said...

good call on the shamrock. i totally forgot about all the good that superior has to offer while making my little list.

yeah. i don't know how things will go here with a little caesar's. it seems to be a resurgence of some sort. maybe they'll give st. cloud another go-round.