everyday before school, i'd cram a handful into the tiny pocket of my school uniform before i walked to the bus stop. and i'd suck on them all day long. this sort of oral fixation, i'm sure, was foreshadowing for my life as a camel litist. in fact i actually chain-ate these little butterscotch candies.
i left trails of werther's wrappers and wafted werther's breath. i would suck on them until they were tiny and sharp and i'd impaled the flesh on the roof of my mouth.
once, throughout the course of the day, i became very uncomfortable. something was not sitting right. frankly, i wasn't sitting right. i felt that something was disrupting my nethers. i went to the bathroom, nothing seemed amiss, and proceeded as normal. werther after werther after werther.
i had band practice that day in junior high. musicians from the three private schools gathered in the band room at lourdes on mondays to prepare for bi-yearly band concerts. but seriously. something was wrong and i shifted in my plastic seat while trying to play "stars and stripes forever" on my alto saxophone.
finally, i went back to the bathroom. and there, baked into the folds of my underwear, was a werther's original candy. it must have fallen out of my pocket in the laundry, then attached itself to my drawers while in the drier.
i threw it away and haven't had one since.