Wednesday, July 18, 2007

now entering my puree appreciation period ...



i was face-first in a snack-sized side dish of cheez-its tonight at dinner when i noticed a hard, non-salt kernal rolling around in my mouth. as a habitual tooth-breaker, i immediately recognized that my cheddar pleasure had been disrupted by my own problem molar.

you know the one: right side, second to back.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF MY PROBLEM MOLAR
this was, originally, a cool ranch dorito incident. a few years ago i bit into my favorite treat, sucking the horse connective tissued gelatin speckles off a mouthful of crunch, and cracked my tooth. this was a little painful, if i recall. but i'm a toughie. i mean, i ran college track and i've worked retail and hell, once i ran a marathon.

i thought the best way to fix this crack in my tooth would be to ignore it. let it heal itself, like my liver. or a mealworm.

months later i was eating one of those clunky sourdough pretzel bites, i believe parmesean and garlic flavored, and half of my tooth fell out of my face.

i had a root canal that i thought would render me delirious and swollen, unable to do anything more taxing than roll my eyes while watching "passions," drool into a mound of gauze. but, hours later, i was able to take my mom to the new scenic for a tempeh rueben, then frankie's where i yodeled "borderline" in front of a crowd of two, prop her into my bed with a copy of david sedaris' "naked" and catch a pretty pleasant buzz during dollar beer night at the buena vista.

dental technology has come a long way since i had my wisdom teeth removed. back then it was days before i could eat anything with more texture than a blue raspberry mr. misty freeze.

i never got that tooth capped. it seemed extraneous. the behavior of some sort of high falooting, white toothed, whole molared aristocrat.

BACK TO THE PRESENT
i spit my tooth into my hand and felt a little woozy. nauseated and dizzy. i thought i was going to faint. one would think that since i frequently have that dream where i am spewing globs of teeth the consistancy of vomit into my open hands, that just hawking one tiny nugget into my palm would be a relief. but in the dream i always know it is a dream. and this? this was real life.

i threw the tooth bit in my garbage can. then i dug it out.



so now i need a dentist.

PS: i finished the rest of the cheez-its with my fully functional left side of my mouth. taking handfuls and packing them into my cheek. saturating them with my own saliva until they were the consistancy of gerber's peas. then, carefully, chewing slowly and swallowing.

11 comments:

feistyMNgirl said...

i can't believe cheeze-its would dislodge your tooth particle. jolly ranchers, maybe, but cheeze-its?

i have continual dreams that my teeth crumble into tiny pieces (not unlike your photo) and fall out of my mouth. most people say it means you have control issues. i say, screw them.

Whiskeymarie said...

Impressive follow-through with the cheez-its.
Way to finish the job once it's started- you can't see it, but I'm nodding like, "oh yeah".

Nick said...

If you need a dentist, I would try Chester Creek Dental. I just love them there. They are so gentle--the most pleasant dentist experience ever. Scott has to get a root canal there on Friday. Root canals for everyone!

christina said...

i'm totally going to chester creek dental. [if they'll have me.] everyone keeps raving about them.

nanners said...

i have a problem tooth; the baby root capped by a cap. i always dream it falls out because it has before when i had a temporary cap on it for 2 days. it fell out right as i was getting out of a hot tub with 2 other guys and a girl. all naked. i slipped on the tile and fell, thereby dislodging the tooth. my friend stepped on it and it stuck to her foot. i grabbed it and put it back in my mouth. oh, 18-year-olds.

ps said...

omg. and the moral of the story? never stop eating cheez-its. i admire your persistence, dollface.

some guy said...

I'm in agreement with feistymngirl. Cheez-its and doritos? Most people lose teeth chewing on chicken bones or ice or rocks. You're not normal.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

omg. i had the same thing happen to me on friday. second tooth from the back, but on the left side. and technically the half tooth that fell out is a filling, not the actual tooth. (which is actually pretty sad, when you think about it.) worse yet is i am so busy at work for the next two weeks that i am doomed to food puree for the duration.

dentures, anyone?

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

p.s.
my filling fell out as i was chomping on tortilla chips leftover from lunch at chipotle.

Miss Kate said...

I head that Kyle Kolquist is Dr. Man-Candy and will turn a trip into the dentist into something BETTER than an episode of "Passions".

christina said...

DD -- i think mine is a filling, too. it is the fake tooth-like thing that was put in after i chipped off part of my tooth last time.

K -- i've not heard of this doctor. ah, well. i have an appointment scheduled already, anyway.