Thursday, June 21, 2007

i see drunk people ...



the difference between going to bed at 4 a.m. and 5 a.m. starts like this:

me: for some reason i can't stop thinking about el debarge. what did he sing?
chuck: who's johnny?
me: right! right! and rhythm of the night!"
chuck: [miming a sharpie drawing across his upper lip] he had one of those mustaches and a very thin tie ...
me: and a permed mullet
chuck: yeah.

which, somehow, within 15 minutes has segued into:

me: blah blah blah 'you can't do that on television.'
chuck: blah blah blah 'pinwheel'
me: blah blah blah blah 'double dare'
chuck: SWEET PICKLES IS GREAT!
me: degrassi junior high.

this goes on. and on. and on.

***

lately i've been trying to eat a lot of vegetables. i like vegetables because they are the healthiest equivilent to dumping doritos into my gaping mouth or just ordering a salt lick and spooning it as i sleep. so today i chopped some cucumbers, radishes, and jalapinos ... put them in a bowl and added a dash or two of peanut sauce. shake and anticipate the flavor explosion called dinner-time.

in the interim, i hopped into the shower. i cupped my hands with water and rubbed my eyes and ...

this half-hour of helen keller mimicry is brought to you by jalapino juice i forgot to wash off my hands.

for the rest of the shower i had to blindly reach for products and conduct my business with my eyes squinched shut. not only could i not get them open, it hurt to think about opening them.

this is the stupidest thing i've done in days.

***

tonite i was driving and a woman wearing boxer shorts and a t'shirt was stumbling down fourth street and she was acting like she might fall off the sidewalk, weaving and bobbing on her little doe legs. i wouldn't have paid attention, but i was at a stoplight. then i realized that it was strange that i wouldn't have ordinarily even noticed it. then i realized that every. single. day of my life. i see at least one drunk person stumbling somewhere.

maybe i just see drunk people.

9 comments:

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

i have that talent too. only i don't see drunk people. i see stupid people. and they're everywhere!

okay, so maybe that's almost the same as drunk people...

hilarious post!

mage2001 said...

and don't forget, 1st husband of Janet Jackson - eeeewwwww.

Maurey Pierce said...

Confession: I used to be obsessed with DeGrassi: The Next Generation, a current show on a teenybopper network. And the Sweet Pickles books. My favorite was Elephant Eats the Profits. I always related to Elephant.

Good stuff.

viciousrumours said...

Once when I was baking I got ginger on my fingers, forgot it was there and rubbed my eyes. What followed can be best described as a dance of screaming lunacy through my kitchen. Oh, the memories.

Whiskeymarie said...

I had a sous chef at my place that, no lie, thought he was soooo cool cutting jalapenos without gloves.
The dipshit then went to the can.

What followed was one of the more satisfying and funny days of my brief stint as a business owner...

What a retard.

chuck said...

If not for my intimate knowledge of each and every episode of "Good Times," I would think that DeBarge and Janet Jackson were actually the same person.

Beret said...

I wish I hadn't read this first thing yesterday morning because the whole day I had "'Who's Johnny?' she said, and smiled in that 'special' way" stuck in my head. What movie was that from anyway, Short Circuit?

Nocturnal said...

Damn, sounds like they must have moved Munich's Oktoberfest to your neck of the woods.

christina said...

i've actually had 'rhythm of the night' stuck in my head for almost a week now.

sweet, short circuit!