but when bedtime came at the ripe hour of 4 a.m., i laid in bed unable to snag an elusive z. my brain spun with thoughts of war, famine, my checking account and a season two episode of veronica mars. my legs were squirrelly and i spun like a chicken on the rotisserie, from my back to my side to my stomach to my other side and back to my back.
clearly i was afflicted with PHI [post hangover insomnia], which strikes the night after a night that closes with me face-first in a mushy mound of gas station burrito, and a fierce grape powerade mustache.
since the incident that will henceforth be referred to as the benedryl overdose of 2007, i've steered clear of those adorable pink pills that instigated a two-day coma and an inability to operate a motor vehicle more sophisticated than a cheese grater.
so i popped a soysleep II*. A soysleep II. just one. i'll never take two of anything again, since the aforementioned benadryl overdose of 2007. within 20 minutes my legs felt heavy, like i was wearing a cumbersome and unnecessary extremity. the rotisserie had stopped with me on my back and unable to flail myself to my preferred stomach position. my brain was still wide awake, though, my eyes blinking and mind spinning. i felt like the headful, bodyless character in metallica's video for "one." and then, like magic, i was out.
when i woke, i felt like a giant clumsy tyranosaurus. thanks, soy sleep II.
* not its real name, i just like to add the word "soy" to certain meds: soybuprofin**, orth-soy-tryclene, soy-quil.
** i did not make up soybuprofin