Wednesday, May 9, 2007

may tag ...

DUNN BROS. PATIO, Minn. -- and so, in light of having relatively little to write about today, i'll continue with my 10-things list, where i try to tell you new things about me that i didn't already tell you.

[as an aside, a few nights ago i had a nightmare that whiskymarie posted a blog highlights list on her site including some of the favorite things she had recently read from other bloggers. she didn't put me on the list and i decided it was because i was bad at coming up with 10 things. yes. i dream about bloggers i've never met. i also dream that i am spitting chunks of my teeth into my open palms. the teeth are the consistancy of vomit. but that doesn't count on this list.]

1. [for review] sometimes i'm shy. but kung pao chicken from the lotus brings out my outer extrovert.

2. i hate unsolicited advice. and since i won't -- under normal circumstances -- solicit advice, this makes all advice unsolicited. i like to plot and map things out in my own mind and come to my own convaluted decision. this means that twice i've licked a metal pole in the winter and gotten my tongue stuck.

3. on the other hand, i love to give advice and when i give it, i expect people to follow it to the letter. sometimes i wish i had my own personal audience of 15-year-old girls that would be forced to do exactly what i tell them. and i would tell them this:

go to college somewhere big, public, cheap and far away from anything that resembles your current life. study abroad for at least a semester. live for at least two years of your life purposefully single and during that time take an occasional lover, but don't go all loco about anyone in particular. spend a lot of time alone figuring out your likes and dislikes, decide you are smart and pretty and interesting. then date someone who agrees with you. do not make a time table for what your life is supposed to be like careerwise or relationship wise or offspring wise.

4. i was a zitty teenager, but thankfully this did not interfere with my social life. my forehead was like a braille version of a mary higgins clark novel and my chain was the spanish translation, also in braille. my zits had zits. today i have a zit on my chin, one on the corner of my mouth, one between my eyes and one on my forehead. i can only hope that i am again going through puberty because it kicked ass the first time.

while this facial breakout is rare, it is more rare for me to not have a walnut sized zit hiding in the spot where my keister hangs over my leg and a few matching solar systems jackson pollack'd across my rump.

this is the only reason i wear pants in public.


Debby said...

jesus fing christ...I can't quit laughing.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Ditch the pants. Be courageous.

And every once in a while, pop the globezit and aim the slimesplash at someone.

That would be amazing.

whiskeymarie said...

In your dream, was I wearing a cape? Cause I think I would totally look amazing in a cape.

If it helps. I just got a big zit on my chin waddle. I haven't had a zit in a long time. I hate you, waddle-zit.

Clare said...

Apparently I took your unsolicited advice before it was even offered--you pretty much described the last 10 years of my life.

Also, that's one of the reasons I love working for magazines--roughly 95 percent of what you write could be considered advice.