Wednesday, April 25, 2007

the change ...

a lot of women with my current medical condition [my period] will clutch their lower torso and curl into the fetal position and spend a few hours contemplating regular or super absorbancy. at some point they may tuck their cell phone between their face and their pillow case and groan to a friend: ughhh. i hate being a woman. get this over with. kill. me. now. ouch, this hurts. the pain the pain. and then there may be a joke about menopause being the only thing they have left to look forward to thrown in for comedic effect.

not this lady. menopause, dear readers, is my greatest fear.

this became obvious to me yesterday when it formed a semicircle around me at whole foods. the cashier and the woman behind me were both fanning themselves and ruing this heat! this heat! it's so damn hot in here.

cut to me wearing a polar fleece. i'd spent the past three hours sitting on my space heater and considering all the ways to show it a proper amount of affection. a poem did not quite seem like a grand enough gesture. throwing it down on the floor and grinding on it seemed excessive. perhaps nuzzling and flowers?

all this fanning screamed of menopause. pelvic weight gain and panic attacks and every thought a few decibles higher. coarse grey hair and waking up with a seriated knife in my teeth.

years ago i stopped dreading the aging process. i think the day i turned 24 was the last time i got into a birthday funk. while occasionally i will see a cartoonish version of my life where i'm on a very slippery slide, clawing at the railings as i plunge out of control into middle age, this is fairly infrequent. i understand that some people [jcrew] go home at night, kneel next to their bed and thank jesus that they are not as old as me [31]. and perhaps some people think i'm lying when i say that i love being this age. but i do. my hair has more potential, my clothes are better and sometimes i make food that tastes pretty kick ass. 29-30 days out of the month i don't even check greyhound prices to dallas and the exchange rate for plasma and the steps involved with changing my identity.

and the two or three days that i do get psychotic may be pms related, but i'll take it over the alternative. menopause.

i'm not afraid of 32 or 38 or even 42. and i'm not sure when menopause starts or how long it lasts because i refuse to research things that scare me. knowing the whole truth would probably make me throw up my own uvula.

i'm not afraid of what happens after menopause. i see a lot of productivity and activity and grace and happiness in the post-menopausal society. i'll take bifocals and pain pills and falling asleep during wheel of fortune. i'll take the denny's AARP discount.

but menopause, you middle aged puberty, you freak me out.

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