Monday, March 19, 2007

vague threats of bodily harm ...

i've spent a lot of time lately trying to find new ways to express displeasure. i need something clever and violent, yet facetious enough that people know i am not serious. years ago i was satisfied with a simple expression: i'm going to jump off the bong bridge. that worked for awhile. expressed angst and kept it interesting for the locals.

"why not the high bridge?" i have been asked.
but if you have to ask, you don't understand humor. at. all.

later i adopted jcrew's clever credo: i'm going to shoot myself in the effing face. i like this, too. it is specific and vaguely funny with tints of sad proctorism. it suggests harm only to myself and stops short of the steaming bullet wound, imploding skull visual.

as jcrew became more sophisticated, she began spouting: i'm going to slit my carotid artery. while i like this, the delivery is dulled by my inability to confidently pronounce "carotid."

on sunday i told my dad that i was going to drop my toaster in the bathtub. he paused ... thought it through ... and laughed. i like this one. but the stall between delivery and listener response does nothing for my need for immediate gratification.

"could you use 'jumping off the bong bridge?'" chuck suggested.
"that's the original," i told him.
"hmm. how about sticking your head in an oven?" he wondered.
"i think jcrew uses that one. she's really into sylvia plath," i said.

i want something involving a garage and exhaust fumes, but i haven't found a way to say it concisely without going into a lot of details involving rubber tubing and ignition keys and AM talk radio.

today i was at cub foods. i picked the shortest line, which was unfortunately behind a coupon horder who hears "buy two get one free" from 14 miles away. she had a calculator in her cart, so i wasn't surprised when her total came within 20 cents of the projected total. i was surprised when she left the line to go find a new box of cinnamon toast crunch.

she returned six minutes later. the line behind us grew. she chatted with the cashier about an upcoming trip. she filled out a check slowly and deliberately.

i stood there, gripping a small handbasket with approximately 40 dollars of food, alternating glares at the woman and her partner in crime, this cashier.

finally i turned to the woman behind me and said: i'm going to kill myself in about two minutes.

definitely not my best work. but she laughed. i guess sometimes you just have to keep it simple.

1 comment:

vixen said...

One of my favorites: I'm going stuff your dead body in a deep freeze.