Tuesday, March 27, 2007

just a cry for help ...

i have found that for most of my deviant needs, alcohol will do just fine. i am rarely surprised by the effects, be it snoring that registers on the richter scale or a topless interpetive dance to "love cats" on your coffee table. i know that i will wake to dirty hair, clutching a bottle of fierce grape powerade and drool my breakfast.

i know this. i accept this.

two nights ago i felt a bit nasal and popped some benadryl before going to bed. i cozied into my duvet cover, opened a book, read four pages and conked into la la-blahler land.

i woke approximately 1 hour later to toonses clawing and meowing outside my bedroom door, his standard reminder that it is 6:30 a.m. and he is still alive and would prefer whap my face with his crusty cat tail than cuddle with his own girth on papasan chair.

i had been having a fantastic dream. a party at my brother's house. a disgruntled dj who refused to play unless we tipped him so i gave him a dollar to play the song "read my mind" by the killers; my high school friends coming in hordes through the front door. me wandering from group to group reminding the guests: shhhh. ... please remember there are little girls sleeping here.

i wandered groggily from my bed, my eyeballs still mid-REM roll, bulging and white. my hands extended, feeling my way toward the doorknob. toonses lept in joy; i checked his water and food and then completely lost all my free will. five minutes later i realized i was sitting pantless on my living room floor plundering the crumbs in a box of better cheddars, lapping at my fingers and thinking "mmmm. ... salt."

i became a version of awake, threw down the box and went back to bed.

i slept until 2 p.m.

the rest of the day was foggy and quiet. every movement was accompanied by a sort of slow motion, underwater accoustic: "do do do do do. na na na na na. tee tee tee tee tee."

later, at chuck's, i explained my grogginess and the better cheddars and how none of my limbs would move unless i scolded and mocked and bullied them into compliance.

"blah blah blah ... two benadryl," i said slowly. enunciating like a judas priest record played backward for satanic messages.

"TWO benadryl?" he said.
i nodded.
"TWO?!" he clarified.
i nodded again. but it would take time lapse photography to actually see the movement.

apparently two is too many. apparently i almost OD'd on OTC meds. typical. i thought they were like ibuprofin, which as a former athlete and former crippling cramp-haver, i have ate times eaten like popcorn.

truthfully, i'm not much of a pill person. probably because i've always suspected what i now know. pills affect me. once i took a 10-day dose of cipro and found myself running terrified from a public bathroom, certain that if the walls did not cave in on me i would maybe drown in toilet. my feet attempting to take hold of the dirty lid, being tugged hair-first down the stained drain.

this was actually preferable to the other side effects i found, which included something like "may consider killing someone else (or just yourself)."

today i woke relatively early. celebrated the combination of warm sun and cold breeze with the first cigarette of the day. "let's practice getting up early tomorrow," i'd said to chuck before we went to sleep. he had readily agreed. i climbed back into bed, telling him about the world i experienced on his deck. he got up. i fell asleep for two more hours.

this benadryl really took. two days later, it has staying power. i'm going to need an exorcism.


whiskeymarie said...

You took TWO? Holy shit. I'm a hard-core allergy-ridden freak, and I will only venture as far as 1-1/2 when I feel like ants are crawling in my sinuses.
You're lucky to be alive, I think. Hopefully you haven't suffered any permanent brain damage...

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

shit. i took two last night. which might explain why my eyes are burning like a mo-fo right now and my brain feels like scrambled eggs. i swear my head weighs a freaking ton.

also explains my intense desire to crawl under my desk and rock back and forth while humming the battle hymn of the republic.