Friday, March 2, 2007

conversations with pizza people ...

scene: 3:55 p.m. and there is a general aire of hunger permiating the squalor of apartment 2. our heroes have been holed up for days, months, years. hunkered over laptops, all necessary supplies within reach. the current streaming one good song after another via computer. one hungover feline, who ransacked the remains of two abandoned whiskey cokes in the wee hours of the morning.

she: chicken with peanut dipping sauce and rice?
he: that would be the fifth day in a row that you've eaten chicken. and you hate rice.
she: with enough soy sauce, i'll eat anything. the idea of me making chicken scares you.
he: a little. pizza?

(little do they know that ordering a pizza in the aftermath of a snowstorm is difficult)
***

EAST LOCATION
she: i'd like to make an order for delivery?
pizza girl: address
she: blah blah blah west fourth street.
pizza girl: (pauses) oh. we don't deliver to west addresses.
she: um. oh.
pizza girl: try our west location.
she: oh. kay?

***

she: they don't deliver to west addresses.
he: but they're like a mile away. the west location is on grand!
she: uh huh. can i have the phone number for the west place?

***

WEST LOCATION
she: um. i'd like to make an order for delivery? but, see, i live like a mile from your east location. but they say they don't deliver to west addresses.
pizza man: do you live east of mesaba?
she: (thinks 'never eat shredded wheat' and deduces ...) yes. yes i live east of mesaba.
pizza man: try our east location.
she: (sighs)

***

she: can i have the phone number for the east location again?

***

EAST LOCATION

she: um. i just tried to order a pizza for delivery, but you told me you wouldn't deliver here? but i only live like a mile from you. and the west place doesn't deliver east of mesaba.
pizza man II: where do you live?
she: seriously. just off lake.
pizza man II: please hold.

(she holds. and holds. and holds.)

pizza man III: hello?
she: um. i was on hold?
pizza man III: yeah. i'm a totally different guy. what do you want?
she: i'd like to order a pizza for delivery. i live like right off lake. can you deliver to me.
pizza man III: (sighs) i guess.
she: okay, i'll take the howdy pizon without mushrooms.
pizza man III: (sighs) i'll get there when i get there.

(she hears the tail end of the dr. phil show playing in the background as she hangs up)

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