Friday, February 16, 2007

shell shocked ...

since all of our somewhat responsible friends have left the zip code and the old ladies in her apartment building think she is satan in a short skirt, jcrew approached me reluctantly. looked like she was about to pass a kidney boulder when she asked: will you water my plants while i'm on vacation?

i don't have plants. i killed a cactus in college. i once spent a day digging out a garden and more than a hundred dollars on seeds and gardening tools. i then proceded to avoid the plot of land in my backyard for 3 months until one day, famished, i rifled through the weeds, yanked a plant out of the ground and ate something near the root. i think it was an onion. maybe it was a radish.

the only other life form i am charged with is about 14 pounds overweight, craps on the floor, drinks water out of my toilet and haunts my apartment on a third shift schedule.

today jcrew approached me and began rattling off details about this plant and that and she damn-near has names for the little buggers. ... blah blah blah, this and blah blah blah that ... and i tune out right around the time she prefaces a particular plant's hobbies, bedtime and favorite snack food and sexual proclivities when i hear her say something like "... and it is my dead grandma's plant and i've kept it alive since 1991, so if you kill it i will stab you in the eyeball" and so i briefly tune her back in.

she should probably take that plant with her on her exotic vacation.

"email me with instructions," i say, dismissing her with feigned bravado.

i consider the multitude of ways i can celebrate having access to jcrew's apartment. upping my resale value one sweater at a time. she must have a liquor cabinent, for she is a booze hound. the entire friends collection and newlyweds on dvd, a couch. drawers to open, cabinents to consider and crannies to explore. but most importantly, plants to kill.

i like the idea of her coming home to find me sitting in a circle with her neighbors, gumming cigars, playing poker and eating her food. i'm smoking a leaf from granny's plant.

as a down playment for my services, she gives me ricotta cheese and green onions. i don't know what to do with either. put them in soil and water?

soon after, i receive this:

1. don't lose the key, or i will rip your face off.

2. water plant to the left of the door. big peace plant. water until water is filling the lip of the dish. don't drown it, but use 2 cups of water. i will leave watering cup on the couch.

3. water bamboo plants. 1 on tv and one next to it. tv plant, fill up to top of container without spilling. shelf bamboo, water enough to see it rise a bit out of the rocks.

4. window plant, just use 1 quarter of the cup. [futbol] plant that alway spills over from overwatering.

i'm sure your keen investigative skills will find season 4 of newlyweds among my DVDs. treat it well. her bosom is among my most prized possessions. if you want to burn CDs, feel free. if you break my computer you owe me $2000. If you forget to shut it down after you will pay my power bill. I am anal. Now you know.

if you do all of these things well, you will be richly rewarded. [exotic locale] clothing, jewelry, liquor. if not, you get a fucking shell.

sitting here now, writing this, i know: i'm getting a shell. or rather, a fucking shell.

bon voyage, my little friend!


nanners said...

the plant is from her 2001 funeral. i've barely been alive since 1991. and you didn't add my salutation. it was "love you, (jcrew). now i thought that was sweet!

chuck said...

Listen, maybe I'm 14 pounds overweight and maybe I haunt your apartment on a third-shift schedule. But to say that I've crapped on your floor is a bit of an exaggeration.