Saturday, February 24, 2007

donna martin graduates ...

i love my cork screw. it is the most complicated simplicity that exists in my life. granted, it weighs as much of my head and looks like you should keep it on a shelf in the garage. and it has an intricate lever system that would appeal to my inner mathematician if i had an inner mathematician. instead, everytime i cleanly extract a cork, i gape at the tool with a religious reverance that briefly distracts me from my shiraz.

you absolutely cannot fuck up when using this corkscrew. remember the time i woke next to an empty bottle of wine i didn't remember drinking, a phillips screwdriver, a hacksaw, a hammer and a headache? this corkscrew promises that those days are gone.

until tonite when i, in a completely sober state, applied it upside down and accidentally pushed the cork into the wine bottle, emitting a wine geyser that soiled everything within its spurty radius. mainly my carpeting, the sleeve of my jacket and some somewhat important papers. this reminds me of when i was a senior and dated a sophomore smashing pumpkins fan who was a poet.

i can't believe this has never happened before. now it will open all the time. because once you figure out how to fuck up something unfuckupable, you do it all the time.

this also means that i either have to finish the entire bottle, purchase a wine skin or dumpster dive for an old cork.

***

this is either a testament to the profound level of my addictive personality or a tribute to bad taste: but i really like the show so noTORIous and this happened before i even hit the third episode, which is typically my good-or-not episode. i rented the first seven episodes tonight because i am christa and i can watch whatever the fuck i want.

this really makes me rethink my feelings on the donna martin-david silver relationship. i always thought he was slumming. perhaps i was wrong.

1. self-deprecation is always funny. so are donna martin virginity jokes.
2. tori spelling's cleavage is more confusing than sudoku -- albeit waaaaay more interesting -- and thus requires much consideration.
3. lines like: "can i borrow your wham! cd and some moouse?"
4. the denoument of each show results in a tori hissy fit, during which, her hair looks really cute.

sometimes i wonder if i'm secretly a gay man.

***

tori spelling is 33. i'm 31. i feel simultaneously great and shitty at the same time. my cleavage is no math problem. but, right now, in the drunken light of the tv ... it looks fantastic.

4 comments:

some guy said...

red wine or white wine?

christina said...

red. i only drink white wine when forced.

Beret said...

I thought noTORIous was pretty funny. But will you watch "Tori and Dean: Inn Love"?

christina said...

ah! i'd not heard about it. i just looked it up right now. for sure i'd watch. i think tori spelling is a comedic genius. i wish i was kidding.